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The CANAAN conspiracy
190
trends in analytical chemistry, vol. 72, no. 5, 1993
The CANAAN Conspiracy The following document was discovered by a scientist in the towel dispenser of a lavatory in an aircraft travelling at an altitude of 11100 m and a speed of 868 km/h over the North Atlantic. He was returning from an international conference attended by a large number of victims of the dreaded CANAAN VIRUS. The MS was accompanied by the following curious cryptogram structure written on the cabin mirror with toothpaste:
The authors initials, RED, written on the mirror have led to his identification and confirmation as a deep undercover agent of WHO and WHAT (World Health Acronym Taskforce). Although authorities feel that the message was a hurried attempt to communicate information concerning his kidnapping by the SCA (Society for Complex Acronyms) others believe that it represents the terminal condition reached by those exposed and infected by the disease. The patient disappears into a hyperspace of letters.*
Evidence collected by various governmental agencies, including the CIA, MIS, KGB, GRU, and SIN indicates that deliberate seeding of new strains of a virulent virus has occurred. The resulting disease is beginning to affect scientific exchange and productivity throughout the world. The original locus of infection has not yet been released
*The reader is challenged to decipher the acronyms found in the manuscript. From marginal notes it would appear that the author was suffering from an acute infection, since CANAAN equates to Cute Acronyms Now Are Accepted as Normal, while VIRUS appears to stand for Vital Information Restores User Satisfaction.
0165-9936/92/$05.00
by the CDC in Atlanta, but usually reliable sources suggest a Middle Eastern origin. The pandemic has been given the code name “The CANAAN Conspiracy”. All sections of the population are affected. In the general public the first clinical signs are a compulsion to use three letter abbreviations for existing word sequences, using the first letter of each word. Clinicians report typical abberations are KLM, ETA, ROM, CPU, EPA, and FBI. In a few cases four letters are employed, such as CAVU and MOMA. In severe chronic infections the patient exhibits an urge to have the abbreviations spell an already existing word, giving rise to acronymitis. Examples are MOB, MOD, DOT, ERA, CAT, and RAM. Multiple letter examples include BART and SQUID. However, scientists with higher degrees of education exhibit more serious symptoms. Analytical chemists seem most susceptible. Affected individual deliberately invent word sequences so that the first letters in concatenation have almost a chanting mantra affect - DME, FID, FIA, or RIA. Such cases involving random letter sequences have often been treated successfully. Other patients spend an inordinate amount of time creating clever (to them) sequences of words describing their work so that the acronymitis leads to an already existing dictionary word. These patients have a poor prognosis. When interviewed, those suffering from the milder random letter version of the CANAAN VIRUS consistently maintain that the abbreviations clarify their writing and speech by condensing the volumes of these bodily effluents. They reject complaints by readers and listeners who are confused by the babble of LIMS, LSMS, CZE, NIR, SER, and ICP. The patients often have enlarged egos and show a loss of sensitivity to clarifying questions. Those originally uninfected scientists in close contact with a group afflicted with only one mutant of the CANAAN VIRUS gradually develop an immunity to the condition. It is not known whether 0
1992 Elsevier
Science
Publishers
B.V. All rights reserved
191
trends in analytical chemistry, vol. 72, no. 5, 1993
a subacute infection is responsible, or if a permanent modification of the neural recognition synaptic junctions occurs. Communication problems occur when interaction is attempted by individuals infected by different mutants of the virus. To date 136 variants have been reported, one for each scientific discipline. Since this is equal to the number of professional subdivisions reported by the NSF and CNRS some workers suggest a symbiotic relationship between the virus and its host that is species specific. This results in the same letter sequences having different meanings depending upon the source. Such duplicity occurs with DME vs. DME, FID vs. FID and FIA vs. FIA. Mental confusion and depression have been observed in those attempting to understand communications from such afflicted scientists. A particularly malignant form of the disease occurs when ONE individual is simultaneously invaded by TWO or more mutant strains. Now the same letter sequence has different meanings depending upon the context. Examples from the published literature include the following titles: “OR in the OR” [Applied Surgical Procedures (ASP)]; “DMEs in DME” [Journal of Applied Metropolarography
(JAM)]; “FIA in FIA Instrumentation” [Biochimica Acta Technologica (BAT)]; “FID Characteristics in FID GC Streams” [Proceedings of Applied Transforms (PAT)]; Readers have reported schizophrenic behavior after attempting to read such publications. Terminal cases of the viral infection are usually manifested by acronymitis which assumes a more complex syndrome, termed “Scrabble” by laymen. Such cases may involve the use of human names, such as ELISA or CLARA. Few examples of masculine acronyms are reported, and sociologists, psychologists and endrocrinologists disagree about the source of this political correctness (PC). Another form of acronymitis with high morbidity involves associations with erudite sources or linguistic connections that few others recognize or understand, such as MISTRAL, ISIS, or LAOCOON. The last examples support the conclusions of
some studies that there is a positive correlation between the growing incidence of CANAAN VIRUS (CV) syndromes and the number of computer programmers. This latter group has always been the vector for a related virus that causes acronymitis with a lack of vowels (STRT, HLP, CMP), as well as the more common forms #such as BASIC. Epidemiologists now recognize that many epidemics start when a group, without immune protection, is exposed to pools of infelction and a large vector population. On the other hand, the increasing tendency for scientists to work with personal computers (PC) has led biochemists to conclude that programming is an activity that induces an immunodeficiency to the CANAAN VIRUS. The Acronym Immune Deficiency (AID) condition caused by CV may be likened to the AIDS syndrome caused by HIV! Rapid mutation of the CANAAN VIRUS into other forms is occurring. Acronymitis with capital letters imbedded in the middle of lower case sequences have appeared. These seem to be associated with intimate contact with marketinq personnel without proper protection. The only known treatment for the CANAAN VIRUS syndrome at the present time is a combination of (1) editor’s red ink, (2) withdrawal of praise and applause, and (3) isolation of the patient. It is possible that injectable forms of common sense and respect for the reader or audience may be developed, but the results to date are not encouraging. Scientists should test themselves periodically, and if symptoms are detected take the following actions promptly, (1) pause and take a deep breath before proceeding, and (2) slowly and deliberately use the full name of the topic or technique. This seems to deactivate the virus. Uninfected scientists should perform a careful prior screen of future contacts with journal articles and meetings to avoid known “hot spots”. Editors should always wear protective devices when interacting with new material. Writers of briefs for Chemical Abstracts and other data bases must take prophylactic doses of acronymomycin to avoid further spread of the virus. Professor R.E. Dessy, Department of Chemistry, Virginia Polytechnic Institute, Blacksburg,
I,,,,:,,,
trends in analytical chemistry, vol. 72, no. 5, 1993
The CANAAN Conspiracy The following document was discovered by a scientist in the towel dispenser of a lavatory in an aircraft travelling at an altitude of 11100 m and a speed of 868 km/h over the North Atlantic. He was returning from an international conference attended by a large number of victims of the dreaded CANAAN VIRUS. The MS was accompanied by the following curious cryptogram structure written on the cabin mirror with toothpaste:
The authors initials, RED, written on the mirror have led to his identification and confirmation as a deep undercover agent of WHO and WHAT (World Health Acronym Taskforce). Although authorities feel that the message was a hurried attempt to communicate information concerning his kidnapping by the SCA (Society for Complex Acronyms) others believe that it represents the terminal condition reached by those exposed and infected by the disease. The patient disappears into a hyperspace of letters.*
Evidence collected by various governmental agencies, including the CIA, MIS, KGB, GRU, and SIN indicates that deliberate seeding of new strains of a virulent virus has occurred. The resulting disease is beginning to affect scientific exchange and productivity throughout the world. The original locus of infection has not yet been released
*The reader is challenged to decipher the acronyms found in the manuscript. From marginal notes it would appear that the author was suffering from an acute infection, since CANAAN equates to Cute Acronyms Now Are Accepted as Normal, while VIRUS appears to stand for Vital Information Restores User Satisfaction.
0165-9936/92/$05.00
by the CDC in Atlanta, but usually reliable sources suggest a Middle Eastern origin. The pandemic has been given the code name “The CANAAN Conspiracy”. All sections of the population are affected. In the general public the first clinical signs are a compulsion to use three letter abbreviations for existing word sequences, using the first letter of each word. Clinicians report typical abberations are KLM, ETA, ROM, CPU, EPA, and FBI. In a few cases four letters are employed, such as CAVU and MOMA. In severe chronic infections the patient exhibits an urge to have the abbreviations spell an already existing word, giving rise to acronymitis. Examples are MOB, MOD, DOT, ERA, CAT, and RAM. Multiple letter examples include BART and SQUID. However, scientists with higher degrees of education exhibit more serious symptoms. Analytical chemists seem most susceptible. Affected individual deliberately invent word sequences so that the first letters in concatenation have almost a chanting mantra affect - DME, FID, FIA, or RIA. Such cases involving random letter sequences have often been treated successfully. Other patients spend an inordinate amount of time creating clever (to them) sequences of words describing their work so that the acronymitis leads to an already existing dictionary word. These patients have a poor prognosis. When interviewed, those suffering from the milder random letter version of the CANAAN VIRUS consistently maintain that the abbreviations clarify their writing and speech by condensing the volumes of these bodily effluents. They reject complaints by readers and listeners who are confused by the babble of LIMS, LSMS, CZE, NIR, SER, and ICP. The patients often have enlarged egos and show a loss of sensitivity to clarifying questions. Those originally uninfected scientists in close contact with a group afflicted with only one mutant of the CANAAN VIRUS gradually develop an immunity to the condition. It is not known whether 0
1992 Elsevier
Science
Publishers
B.V. All rights reserved
191
trends in analytical chemistry, vol. 72, no. 5, 1993
a subacute infection is responsible, or if a permanent modification of the neural recognition synaptic junctions occurs. Communication problems occur when interaction is attempted by individuals infected by different mutants of the virus. To date 136 variants have been reported, one for each scientific discipline. Since this is equal to the number of professional subdivisions reported by the NSF and CNRS some workers suggest a symbiotic relationship between the virus and its host that is species specific. This results in the same letter sequences having different meanings depending upon the source. Such duplicity occurs with DME vs. DME, FID vs. FID and FIA vs. FIA. Mental confusion and depression have been observed in those attempting to understand communications from such afflicted scientists. A particularly malignant form of the disease occurs when ONE individual is simultaneously invaded by TWO or more mutant strains. Now the same letter sequence has different meanings depending upon the context. Examples from the published literature include the following titles: “OR in the OR” [Applied Surgical Procedures (ASP)]; “DMEs in DME” [Journal of Applied Metropolarography
(JAM)]; “FIA in FIA Instrumentation” [Biochimica Acta Technologica (BAT)]; “FID Characteristics in FID GC Streams” [Proceedings of Applied Transforms (PAT)]; Readers have reported schizophrenic behavior after attempting to read such publications. Terminal cases of the viral infection are usually manifested by acronymitis which assumes a more complex syndrome, termed “Scrabble” by laymen. Such cases may involve the use of human names, such as ELISA or CLARA. Few examples of masculine acronyms are reported, and sociologists, psychologists and endrocrinologists disagree about the source of this political correctness (PC). Another form of acronymitis with high morbidity involves associations with erudite sources or linguistic connections that few others recognize or understand, such as MISTRAL, ISIS, or LAOCOON. The last examples support the conclusions of
some studies that there is a positive correlation between the growing incidence of CANAAN VIRUS (CV) syndromes and the number of computer programmers. This latter group has always been the vector for a related virus that causes acronymitis with a lack of vowels (STRT, HLP, CMP), as well as the more common forms #such as BASIC. Epidemiologists now recognize that many epidemics start when a group, without immune protection, is exposed to pools of infelction and a large vector population. On the other hand, the increasing tendency for scientists to work with personal computers (PC) has led biochemists to conclude that programming is an activity that induces an immunodeficiency to the CANAAN VIRUS. The Acronym Immune Deficiency (AID) condition caused by CV may be likened to the AIDS syndrome caused by HIV! Rapid mutation of the CANAAN VIRUS into other forms is occurring. Acronymitis with capital letters imbedded in the middle of lower case sequences have appeared. These seem to be associated with intimate contact with marketinq personnel without proper protection. The only known treatment for the CANAAN VIRUS syndrome at the present time is a combination of (1) editor’s red ink, (2) withdrawal of praise and applause, and (3) isolation of the patient. It is possible that injectable forms of common sense and respect for the reader or audience may be developed, but the results to date are not encouraging. Scientists should test themselves periodically, and if symptoms are detected take the following actions promptly, (1) pause and take a deep breath before proceeding, and (2) slowly and deliberately use the full name of the topic or technique. This seems to deactivate the virus. Uninfected scientists should perform a careful prior screen of future contacts with journal articles and meetings to avoid known “hot spots”. Editors should always wear protective devices when interacting with new material. Writers of briefs for Chemical Abstracts and other data bases must take prophylactic doses of acronymomycin to avoid further spread of the virus. Professor R.E. Dessy, Department of Chemistry, Virginia Polytechnic Institute, Blacksburg,
I,,,,:,,,