- Email: [email protected]
Getting Out of Our Own Way
Available online at www.sciencedirect.com
Behavior Therapy 43 (2012) 708 – 711
www.elsevier.com/locate/bt
Getting Out of Our Own Way Patricia A. Resick VA Boston Healthcare System and Boston University
This paper, a follow-up from a 2009 panel discussion at ABCT's Annual Convention, focuses on the choices that women make (or don't make) that can affect their careers. Women are particularly prone to feeling guilty about their choices, and while a few decades ago there was a great deal of sexism in the workplace, at this point in time, I believe that we are more likely to make assumptions that impede our careers rather than face external barriers. The paper covers some “stuck points” that stop women from advocating for themselves or results in guilt regardless of their choice.
Keywords: women's issues; gender differences; women in academia
RATHER THAN LOOKING BACK at how things used to be for women in graduate school and academia, I would like to play devil's advocate in the pages that I have here to discuss “breaking through the glass ceiling.” I read an interesting article in the Boston Globe (2011) reporting on gender and the salary gap that found young women starting out in their careers are now actually earning higher salaries than men, but there is still an overall career salary lag for women, mostly because they take themselves out of the workforce for periods of time during childbearing and child rearing, or move to part-time work and then never catch up again. Perry and Gunderson (2011), citing the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics for 2009, found a slight gap in the 16- to 24-year age range (women earned 93% of men's pay) but a widening gap with age (75% among
Address correspondence to Patricia A. Resick, Ph.D., WHSD\ NCPTSD (116B-3), VA Boston Healthcare System, 150 South Huntington Avenue, Boston MA 02130; e-mail: [email protected]. 0005-7894/43/708-711/$1.00/0 © 2012 Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. Published by Elsevier Ltd. All rights reserved.
35 years and older). Of course it is possible that women are still overlooked or slowed for advancement, but this analysis seemed to indicate that the gap starts with choices women are making for themselves. I'm all for choice, so I think it is important not to overgeneralize from one group to another when there is a reported salary gap or when there appears to be a “glass ceiling.” We might be left with a view that is not as nuanced as it should be. Although sexism certainly exists, I think that, unlike early in my career, I see little evidence of it in the psychology field today, which is now female dominated. I'm not even sure if there is a glass ceiling or what that would be. However, if women take a break from their own career trajectories or work part-time instead of full-time, these are choices that they are making and not some glass-ceiling effect. Unfortunately, taking a break or slowing down can be detrimental to one's career. I think that this problem is particularly pronounced in academic and research settings where competition for grant funding is fierce and where a break from career can be viewed very negatively. To leave a full-time tenure-track position often means relocating to another part of the country to find another one, leaving academia entirely, or taking a role as an underpaid instructor. In some other settings (e.g., VA hospitals, medical schools), it is possible to cut back on hours for a time without adverse effects. It is an unfortunate reality in the United States that we are among the worst in the world for providing paid leave for maternity/paternity. If women and men were allowed the kinds of leave that other countries provide, there would be little problem with career interruption. However, the reality is that tenuretrack university faculty positions are full-time jobs and there are limited slots. So what can we do? In my own case, I wanted both career and family; and by career, I had my sights set on working in an APA clinical doctoral
getting out of our own way program. I was not willing to compromise either family or career, so it took a lot of sacrifice of my personal time, and learning to be very efficient. (Hobbies? What hobbies? Sleep, what's that?) Back when I had babies in an academic tenure-track position, there was no mechanism for giving me leave (we had no defined sick leave or vacation) and my tenure clock was not delayed. I was fortunate to get pregnant such that I could give birth at the beginning of winter break or summer break (although I also stopped trying during bad timing periods). I was also fortunate that the university had a very good day care center in the building next to my office. I was already an associate professor when I first became pregnant (but not tenured because of a change in jobs), so I didn't feel the same early career anxiety about actually getting that first promotion that some young professionals experience. Nonetheless, I was sufficiently concerned that instead of the nesting that women often do in preparation for babies, I used my productivity burst to get out as many manuscripts as possible so that I wouldn't be viewed as a slacker during my babies’ first years. I ended up publishing more than usual during those particular years. I recall struggling with concerns that many of us shared at the time (and probably still have) about balancing career and family. As someone in the feminist generation of the 1980s, we talked a lot about how we had been raised, about stereotypes about women and careers, and how one of the hardest things to do was to lift the self- and society-imposed guilt no matter what choice you made. For a long time it seemed that you couldn't win for losing. If you chose career over children, you were selfish; you were also selfish and probably neglectful if you chose both, and if you were a smart woman who chose child rearing rather than a career, you were disdained. I'm not sure how much the world has changed. I had a young woman tell me after my ABCT presidential address some years ago that the best part for her was when the camera panned over to my sons, who were then teenagers, that they had, what she described, as proud and loving looks on their faces. She said that she wasn't sure that a woman could have a strong career and children without screwing them up and she felt reassured and touched. That made me sad as well as proud. My sons are well-adjusted and have never complained about my having a career or even a different last name. But I was also fortunate to have kids with calm, even temperaments, as well as a husband who has always been secure enough in himself that he was totally supportive and not threatened by my success. As those MasterCard ads say, “That is priceless.”
709
So how do we get in our own way? This is where I would like to focus some attention because we have the best chance of change in ourselves. From a cognitive processing therapy perspective, we call the thoughts that keep us from moving forward “stuck points.” In PTSD work, stuck points stop us from recovering because erroneous thoughts about the causes or effect of the traumatic event generate strong new emotions (e.g., guilt, shame, anger directed at the wrong person) that were not part of the actual event and natural emotions. I think some of the same phenomena apply to our careers and parenting because some ideas get us stuck in our careers and parenting that are not factual and keep us from reaching our full potential (including shattering the glass ceiling if one is so inclined, and if one can figure out what glass ceiling exists) and we end up feeling guilty whatever we happen to be doing at the moment. Here is my list of career and family stuck points (cognitive distortions) that many of us struggle with. We hear these ideas promoted and if we hear them enough, they start to sound like TRUTH. I think these are vestiges of ideas that women don't belong in high-powered careers or that family and careers don't mix. In the category of career stuck points I list a number of related stuck points. They may sound a bit repetitive but people have them phrased differently at times and one might strike a chord more than another: 1. Ambition is unfeminine. 2. Advocating for yourself is pushy. 3. Telling people what you have accomplished is conceited. 4. Self-confidence is conceited/arrogant (if you are assertive, you are labeled a bitch instead of confident). 5. I shouldn't venture into anything new unless I am sure I can do it. 6. I shouldn't put myself forward to be considered for awards. That is conceited and aggressive. Someone else should nominate me (and I shouldn't have to ask them). 7. I shouldn't put myself forward for elections, committee chairs, editorial boards, and so on. If "they" thought I would be good at it, then they would ask me. 8. (Conversely) I must accept all requests to serve on committees, even ones I have no interest in and even if it means that I can't get my other work done. 9. I shouldn't need to advocate for myself. If I do my job well, other people will notice and reward me.
710
resick
10. The chair/dean, and others will take care of me when it comes to salaries, consideration for promotion, or other opportunities. 11. I shouldn't say no to requests (for research projects, mentoring, teaching, clinical work) even if it doesn't advance my career. I don't think it is easy for most people to negotiate for initial salaries, raises, promotions, and so on. I think that women are particularly bad at it because it is not role congruent. In a study conducted at Carnegie Mellon among men and women who had earned master's degrees, men were eight times more likely to negotiate their starting salaries, and a follow-up indicated that women were very apprehensive about negotiating salaries (Babcock, 2002; Babcock & Gelfand, 2003, as cited in Perry & Gunderson, 2011). It has been my observation that men are more comfortable with self-promotion and carry a level of confidence that women are not comfortable with. In women, assertiveness is still confused with aggression; as a result, they often choose a more passive stance, hoping that others will promote their careers so that they don't have to. It is important to think about what you deserve, relative to the productivity of the other people around you, and to be able to state your case clearly. It is not a time for whining, but for calmly reminding the chair/dean of your value. Occasionally, it is time to consider applying for positions elsewhere for appropriate advancement. Also, in everyone's career, people reach a point at which they have to choose between promising activities and opportunities. Saying no to those that might be detrimental or not promote one's career trajectory are tough decisions. It is tempting but unproductive to head off into too many directions at once. Complicating the issues with career are the stuck points that we may carry regarding our roles as parents. Here is my list of common family stuck points: 1. If I am ambitious, that means that I am a bad mother. 2. I must be involved in all school activities (PTA meetings, bake sales) to prove that I am not a bad mother (or so that I am not damaging my child). 3. I am the only person who can raise my child (which is different from “I don't want to outsource”). 4. I can't move my children to benefit my career. 5. I must compensate to my children/spouse when I get home, so I do more than my fair share of the work.
6. I can't make more money than my husband. It will harm his sense of self-worth. Regarding item 4 above, you don't know in advance whether moving to a new city, new schools, or new jobs will be better or worse. I have heard people express concern from first grade on that children shouldn't be moved because of the loss of friends, activities, and so on. However, just because your children tell you that a move would be the end of the world, doesn't make it so—they are kids and can't predict the future any better than you can. My husband and I moved our younger son to Boston just as he was going to start his junior year in high school and was likely to be the team captain in three different sports. Although it sounds like the absolute worst time to move and there was certainly a period of adjustment, this move led to a better education and opportunities for him than our previous location ever would have. We didn't, in fact, ruin his life forever. Moving can be an adventure for everyone in the family. My job changes have introduced me to new people with different areas of expertise that have enriched my own thinking and knowledge. Moving does the same thing for children. They learn how to make new friends, are exposed to new environments and cultures, and develop valuable resilience skills. While it is important that the career parent does not dump all of the work on the stay-at-home parent, and schools need some support from all parents, there is a reasonable limit. I have seen some parents feel guilt (and have fallen prey to it myself) for not responding to any and all requests from the teachers, children, parents, and schools. The chances are that you cannot be the chaperone for every field trip, always supply food for every bake sale, coach every sport, or even attend every school open house. It is important to prioritize the most important activities and consider volunteering when work pressures are not at their worst to compensate for times when it is just too much to add one more task to the list. Finally, career mothers need to remember that the family is a unit and that everyone should be pitching in. Even young children can carry their plates to the dishwasher and pick up their toys. My husband always did all of his own laundry and my sons were doing their own by age 10. Cooking and cleaning up were shared or negotiated. We believed that expending the money to have our house cleaned and the lawn mowed was well worth it for the time that it saved us. While we never had in-home help (nannies or au pairs), we did keep three clear priorities: our children, our relationship with each other, and our careers. The order probably changed from day to day depending on needs, but the house, the chores, and
getting out of our own way other outside obligations took a back seat. Last thought, one that I say to most of my mentees, is that a career is a marathon, not a sprint. Thirty or 40 years is plenty of time to do it all and have it all. You just don't have to do it all at once and all in the first few years. Whatever you do, don't waste your time feeling guilty over the alternatives you didn't choose or the things you can't accomplish. If any of those stuck points listed above resonate with you, it is time for a little self-cognitive therapy to find a better balance in your thinking. I am a full believer in choice and people should not feel guilty over whatever choices they make, including working part-time or staying home for a period of time.
Patricia A. Resick, Ph.D., is the Director of the Women's Health Sciences Division of the National Center for PTSD at VA Boston Healthcare System. She is a Professor of Psychiatry and Psychology at Boston University. Dr. Resick received her doctorate in psychology from the University of Georgia. She conducts research on the effects of traumatic events, particularly on women, and developed and tested cognitive processing therapy (CPT) for PTSD. She has published four books and 200 journal articles/book chapters. Dr. Resick has served on the editorial boards of eight scientific journals including Associate Editor for the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. She has served on the Board of Directors of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies for 9 years including terms as Secretary, Vice President, and President (2009). She was a Board Member for the Association for Advancement of Behavior Therapy (now ABCT) for two terms. She served as President during 2003–2004. Since 2006 she has been a leader in a national VA initiative to disseminate CPT throughout the VA system and is currently conducting a large clinical trial at Ft. Hood, Texas. She is also currently on two subworkgroups for the DSM-5.
Reference Perry, J., & Gunderson, D. E. (2011). American women and the gender pay gap: A changing demographic or the same old song. Advancing Women in Leadership, 31, 153–159.
711
R E C E I V E D : March 12, 2012 A C C E P T E D : March 13, 2012 Available online 22 March 2012
Behavior Therapy 43 (2012) 708 – 711
www.elsevier.com/locate/bt
Getting Out of Our Own Way Patricia A. Resick VA Boston Healthcare System and Boston University
This paper, a follow-up from a 2009 panel discussion at ABCT's Annual Convention, focuses on the choices that women make (or don't make) that can affect their careers. Women are particularly prone to feeling guilty about their choices, and while a few decades ago there was a great deal of sexism in the workplace, at this point in time, I believe that we are more likely to make assumptions that impede our careers rather than face external barriers. The paper covers some “stuck points” that stop women from advocating for themselves or results in guilt regardless of their choice.
Keywords: women's issues; gender differences; women in academia
RATHER THAN LOOKING BACK at how things used to be for women in graduate school and academia, I would like to play devil's advocate in the pages that I have here to discuss “breaking through the glass ceiling.” I read an interesting article in the Boston Globe (2011) reporting on gender and the salary gap that found young women starting out in their careers are now actually earning higher salaries than men, but there is still an overall career salary lag for women, mostly because they take themselves out of the workforce for periods of time during childbearing and child rearing, or move to part-time work and then never catch up again. Perry and Gunderson (2011), citing the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics for 2009, found a slight gap in the 16- to 24-year age range (women earned 93% of men's pay) but a widening gap with age (75% among
Address correspondence to Patricia A. Resick, Ph.D., WHSD\ NCPTSD (116B-3), VA Boston Healthcare System, 150 South Huntington Avenue, Boston MA 02130; e-mail: [email protected]. 0005-7894/43/708-711/$1.00/0 © 2012 Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. Published by Elsevier Ltd. All rights reserved.
35 years and older). Of course it is possible that women are still overlooked or slowed for advancement, but this analysis seemed to indicate that the gap starts with choices women are making for themselves. I'm all for choice, so I think it is important not to overgeneralize from one group to another when there is a reported salary gap or when there appears to be a “glass ceiling.” We might be left with a view that is not as nuanced as it should be. Although sexism certainly exists, I think that, unlike early in my career, I see little evidence of it in the psychology field today, which is now female dominated. I'm not even sure if there is a glass ceiling or what that would be. However, if women take a break from their own career trajectories or work part-time instead of full-time, these are choices that they are making and not some glass-ceiling effect. Unfortunately, taking a break or slowing down can be detrimental to one's career. I think that this problem is particularly pronounced in academic and research settings where competition for grant funding is fierce and where a break from career can be viewed very negatively. To leave a full-time tenure-track position often means relocating to another part of the country to find another one, leaving academia entirely, or taking a role as an underpaid instructor. In some other settings (e.g., VA hospitals, medical schools), it is possible to cut back on hours for a time without adverse effects. It is an unfortunate reality in the United States that we are among the worst in the world for providing paid leave for maternity/paternity. If women and men were allowed the kinds of leave that other countries provide, there would be little problem with career interruption. However, the reality is that tenuretrack university faculty positions are full-time jobs and there are limited slots. So what can we do? In my own case, I wanted both career and family; and by career, I had my sights set on working in an APA clinical doctoral
getting out of our own way program. I was not willing to compromise either family or career, so it took a lot of sacrifice of my personal time, and learning to be very efficient. (Hobbies? What hobbies? Sleep, what's that?) Back when I had babies in an academic tenure-track position, there was no mechanism for giving me leave (we had no defined sick leave or vacation) and my tenure clock was not delayed. I was fortunate to get pregnant such that I could give birth at the beginning of winter break or summer break (although I also stopped trying during bad timing periods). I was also fortunate that the university had a very good day care center in the building next to my office. I was already an associate professor when I first became pregnant (but not tenured because of a change in jobs), so I didn't feel the same early career anxiety about actually getting that first promotion that some young professionals experience. Nonetheless, I was sufficiently concerned that instead of the nesting that women often do in preparation for babies, I used my productivity burst to get out as many manuscripts as possible so that I wouldn't be viewed as a slacker during my babies’ first years. I ended up publishing more than usual during those particular years. I recall struggling with concerns that many of us shared at the time (and probably still have) about balancing career and family. As someone in the feminist generation of the 1980s, we talked a lot about how we had been raised, about stereotypes about women and careers, and how one of the hardest things to do was to lift the self- and society-imposed guilt no matter what choice you made. For a long time it seemed that you couldn't win for losing. If you chose career over children, you were selfish; you were also selfish and probably neglectful if you chose both, and if you were a smart woman who chose child rearing rather than a career, you were disdained. I'm not sure how much the world has changed. I had a young woman tell me after my ABCT presidential address some years ago that the best part for her was when the camera panned over to my sons, who were then teenagers, that they had, what she described, as proud and loving looks on their faces. She said that she wasn't sure that a woman could have a strong career and children without screwing them up and she felt reassured and touched. That made me sad as well as proud. My sons are well-adjusted and have never complained about my having a career or even a different last name. But I was also fortunate to have kids with calm, even temperaments, as well as a husband who has always been secure enough in himself that he was totally supportive and not threatened by my success. As those MasterCard ads say, “That is priceless.”
709
So how do we get in our own way? This is where I would like to focus some attention because we have the best chance of change in ourselves. From a cognitive processing therapy perspective, we call the thoughts that keep us from moving forward “stuck points.” In PTSD work, stuck points stop us from recovering because erroneous thoughts about the causes or effect of the traumatic event generate strong new emotions (e.g., guilt, shame, anger directed at the wrong person) that were not part of the actual event and natural emotions. I think some of the same phenomena apply to our careers and parenting because some ideas get us stuck in our careers and parenting that are not factual and keep us from reaching our full potential (including shattering the glass ceiling if one is so inclined, and if one can figure out what glass ceiling exists) and we end up feeling guilty whatever we happen to be doing at the moment. Here is my list of career and family stuck points (cognitive distortions) that many of us struggle with. We hear these ideas promoted and if we hear them enough, they start to sound like TRUTH. I think these are vestiges of ideas that women don't belong in high-powered careers or that family and careers don't mix. In the category of career stuck points I list a number of related stuck points. They may sound a bit repetitive but people have them phrased differently at times and one might strike a chord more than another: 1. Ambition is unfeminine. 2. Advocating for yourself is pushy. 3. Telling people what you have accomplished is conceited. 4. Self-confidence is conceited/arrogant (if you are assertive, you are labeled a bitch instead of confident). 5. I shouldn't venture into anything new unless I am sure I can do it. 6. I shouldn't put myself forward to be considered for awards. That is conceited and aggressive. Someone else should nominate me (and I shouldn't have to ask them). 7. I shouldn't put myself forward for elections, committee chairs, editorial boards, and so on. If "they" thought I would be good at it, then they would ask me. 8. (Conversely) I must accept all requests to serve on committees, even ones I have no interest in and even if it means that I can't get my other work done. 9. I shouldn't need to advocate for myself. If I do my job well, other people will notice and reward me.
710
resick
10. The chair/dean, and others will take care of me when it comes to salaries, consideration for promotion, or other opportunities. 11. I shouldn't say no to requests (for research projects, mentoring, teaching, clinical work) even if it doesn't advance my career. I don't think it is easy for most people to negotiate for initial salaries, raises, promotions, and so on. I think that women are particularly bad at it because it is not role congruent. In a study conducted at Carnegie Mellon among men and women who had earned master's degrees, men were eight times more likely to negotiate their starting salaries, and a follow-up indicated that women were very apprehensive about negotiating salaries (Babcock, 2002; Babcock & Gelfand, 2003, as cited in Perry & Gunderson, 2011). It has been my observation that men are more comfortable with self-promotion and carry a level of confidence that women are not comfortable with. In women, assertiveness is still confused with aggression; as a result, they often choose a more passive stance, hoping that others will promote their careers so that they don't have to. It is important to think about what you deserve, relative to the productivity of the other people around you, and to be able to state your case clearly. It is not a time for whining, but for calmly reminding the chair/dean of your value. Occasionally, it is time to consider applying for positions elsewhere for appropriate advancement. Also, in everyone's career, people reach a point at which they have to choose between promising activities and opportunities. Saying no to those that might be detrimental or not promote one's career trajectory are tough decisions. It is tempting but unproductive to head off into too many directions at once. Complicating the issues with career are the stuck points that we may carry regarding our roles as parents. Here is my list of common family stuck points: 1. If I am ambitious, that means that I am a bad mother. 2. I must be involved in all school activities (PTA meetings, bake sales) to prove that I am not a bad mother (or so that I am not damaging my child). 3. I am the only person who can raise my child (which is different from “I don't want to outsource”). 4. I can't move my children to benefit my career. 5. I must compensate to my children/spouse when I get home, so I do more than my fair share of the work.
6. I can't make more money than my husband. It will harm his sense of self-worth. Regarding item 4 above, you don't know in advance whether moving to a new city, new schools, or new jobs will be better or worse. I have heard people express concern from first grade on that children shouldn't be moved because of the loss of friends, activities, and so on. However, just because your children tell you that a move would be the end of the world, doesn't make it so—they are kids and can't predict the future any better than you can. My husband and I moved our younger son to Boston just as he was going to start his junior year in high school and was likely to be the team captain in three different sports. Although it sounds like the absolute worst time to move and there was certainly a period of adjustment, this move led to a better education and opportunities for him than our previous location ever would have. We didn't, in fact, ruin his life forever. Moving can be an adventure for everyone in the family. My job changes have introduced me to new people with different areas of expertise that have enriched my own thinking and knowledge. Moving does the same thing for children. They learn how to make new friends, are exposed to new environments and cultures, and develop valuable resilience skills. While it is important that the career parent does not dump all of the work on the stay-at-home parent, and schools need some support from all parents, there is a reasonable limit. I have seen some parents feel guilt (and have fallen prey to it myself) for not responding to any and all requests from the teachers, children, parents, and schools. The chances are that you cannot be the chaperone for every field trip, always supply food for every bake sale, coach every sport, or even attend every school open house. It is important to prioritize the most important activities and consider volunteering when work pressures are not at their worst to compensate for times when it is just too much to add one more task to the list. Finally, career mothers need to remember that the family is a unit and that everyone should be pitching in. Even young children can carry their plates to the dishwasher and pick up their toys. My husband always did all of his own laundry and my sons were doing their own by age 10. Cooking and cleaning up were shared or negotiated. We believed that expending the money to have our house cleaned and the lawn mowed was well worth it for the time that it saved us. While we never had in-home help (nannies or au pairs), we did keep three clear priorities: our children, our relationship with each other, and our careers. The order probably changed from day to day depending on needs, but the house, the chores, and
getting out of our own way other outside obligations took a back seat. Last thought, one that I say to most of my mentees, is that a career is a marathon, not a sprint. Thirty or 40 years is plenty of time to do it all and have it all. You just don't have to do it all at once and all in the first few years. Whatever you do, don't waste your time feeling guilty over the alternatives you didn't choose or the things you can't accomplish. If any of those stuck points listed above resonate with you, it is time for a little self-cognitive therapy to find a better balance in your thinking. I am a full believer in choice and people should not feel guilty over whatever choices they make, including working part-time or staying home for a period of time.
Patricia A. Resick, Ph.D., is the Director of the Women's Health Sciences Division of the National Center for PTSD at VA Boston Healthcare System. She is a Professor of Psychiatry and Psychology at Boston University. Dr. Resick received her doctorate in psychology from the University of Georgia. She conducts research on the effects of traumatic events, particularly on women, and developed and tested cognitive processing therapy (CPT) for PTSD. She has published four books and 200 journal articles/book chapters. Dr. Resick has served on the editorial boards of eight scientific journals including Associate Editor for the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. She has served on the Board of Directors of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies for 9 years including terms as Secretary, Vice President, and President (2009). She was a Board Member for the Association for Advancement of Behavior Therapy (now ABCT) for two terms. She served as President during 2003–2004. Since 2006 she has been a leader in a national VA initiative to disseminate CPT throughout the VA system and is currently conducting a large clinical trial at Ft. Hood, Texas. She is also currently on two subworkgroups for the DSM-5.
Reference Perry, J., & Gunderson, D. E. (2011). American women and the gender pay gap: A changing demographic or the same old song. Advancing Women in Leadership, 31, 153–159.
711
R E C E I V E D : March 12, 2012 A C C E P T E D : March 13, 2012 Available online 22 March 2012