Narratives of aging in intimate partner violence: The double lens of violence and old age

Journal of Aging Studies 26 (2012) 504–514

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Narratives of aging in intimate partner violence: The double lens of violence and old age Tova Band-Winterstein ⁎ University of Haifa, Mt. Carmel, Haifa, Israel

a r t i c l e

i n f o

Article history: Received 9 May 2012 Received in revised form 8 July 2012 Accepted 29 July 2012 Keywords: Narratives Old age Couplehood Partner violence Health Loneliness Adult offspring

a b s t r a c t Purpose: With the increase in life expectancy, couples living in intimate partner violence are aging together. The aim of this article is to explore the constructions of aging in intimate partner violence as narratives of couplehood or narratives of old age. Design and methods: Thirty individual in-depth interviews with 15 older Israeli couples were tape-recorded, transcribed verbatim and analyzed using a narrative approach. Results: Three main domains emerged from the data: health issue narratives, loneliness narratives and relationships with adult offspring narratives. Each of the narratives that emerged from the data analysis consists of a narrative of old age constructing IPV and a narrative of IPV constructing old age. Implications: Conflictual couplehood dynamics, such as intimate partner violence in old age, is not one-dimensional, but is diverse and complex and this should be taken into consideration. © 2012 Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Introduction

Literature review

Recently lifelong intimate partner violence (IPV) began to appear in the empirical and theoretical literature (e.g., Band-Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2009; Beaulaurier, Seff, & Newman, 2008; Seaver, 1996; Straka & Montminy, 2006; Vinton, 1992; Zink, Jacobson, Regan, Fisher, & Pabst, 2006). Although the body of research is growing, most studies recognize that they have not fully captured the nature and the dynamic of this phenomenon (Lazenbatt, Devaney, & Gildea, 2010). The literature is especially scarce regarding the perspective of the male perpetrators and of the couple. Furthermore, with the increase in life expectancy, more couples are living and aging in IPV together, but most researchers have disregarded them in favor of younger people. This article aims to fill this gap and to address the phenomenon by exploring how couples construct aging in lifelong IPV.

Lifelong IPV is experienced by aging men and women and includes various types of mutual behaviors such as emotional, sexual, financial and physical injuries (Crowell & Burgess, 1996; DeKeseredy & Schwartz, 2001; Mahoney, Williams, & West, 2001). The rate of older women suffering from IPV is lower than that of younger women. In the Israeli context, the national survey conducted in 2007 indicated a similar trend (Lowenstein, Eisikovits, Band-Winterstein, & Enosh, 2009). Although this might indicate under reporting of the actual numbers (Rennison & Rand, 2003; Sormanti & Shibusawa, 2008) it might also be due to the fact that criminality ebbs with age and criminals “age out of violence,” as old age becomes the salient dimension (figure) of their lives and crime becomes the backdrop (ground) (e.g., Sampson & Laub, 2005). The theoretical orientations underlining the present study refer to the life course approach. This approach describes the socialization of people into and out of social roles, such as spouse, parent, and senior citizen, which are accompanied with a set of proscriptive and prescriptive expectations. It is

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T. Band-Winterstein / Journal of Aging Studies 26 (2012) 504–514

contextualized by a lived history across different periods of the life span (Daaleman & Elder, 2007). Life course analysis is based on identifying common markers, turning points, life events and transitions which, taken together, create the composite picture of family history also known as life trajectories (Bengtson, Elder, & Putney, 2005). The life course perspective places a dynamic emphasis on transitions, timing and multiple career lines, adding fluidity and color to family life. The concepts of age and temporality recognize that age has multiple meanings and interpretations, and life varies in the timing and scheduling of events along the life course (Daaleman & Elder, 2007). This perspective is a useful heuristic device, as it is located at the intersection of social, cultural and historical factors with personal biography (Elder, 1998). Examining the consequences of living in a lifelong IPV relationship, from a life course perspective, reveals violence to be a process rather than a static state (Williams, 2003). In such a process, partners share a lifelong relationship history, which might include quiet periods of normality with little, if any, violence, alternated with very intense explosive periods (Gordon, 2000; Johnson, 1995; Mahoney et al., 2001). The occurrence, severity and type of abuse change over time, and have a mutual effect throughout the stages of development and the experience of aging (Band-Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2009; Teachman & Crowder, 2002). Battered women of all ages are known to experience various forms of distress— physical, emotional and behavioral (e.g., Zlotnick, Johnson, & Kohn, 2006). Older and younger women who are abused differ on several levels: first, a value gap exists, arising from older battered women's socialization to traditional values concerning gender roles. They tend to be submissive in the family context, which is protected by privacy rules and a high degree of commitment and loyalty in spite of violence (Aronson, Thornewell, & Williams, 1995; Hightower, Smith, & Hightower, 2008; Seaver, 1996; Wolf, 2000; Zink, Regan, Jacobson, & Pabst, 2003). These tendencies are reinforced by rare and selective use of extra familial audiences and religious prohibitions. Second, economic problems are acerbated during old age, with increasing economic dependency. This is aggravated further by the lack of employment opportunities and decreased physical ability to work (Hightower et al., 2008). Third, health-related reasons increase dependency or commitment for the partner with physical disability (Seaver, 1996; Sormanti & Shibusawa, 2008; Wolf, 2000). All of the above is associated with a dramatic decline in informal and formal support, as friends and family members are dying and the services are designed for the young (Lazenbatt et al., 2010; Wolf, 2000). The relationship between old age and IPV has been addressed in the literature only recently and is developing into a body of knowledge. Gerontological literature has dealt with violence in old age only in the context of elder abuse, and in a diverse range of relationships (e.g. caregiving and intergenerational relationships). Lifelong IPV was included as one of many aspects of domestic violence, without considering the unique power–control dynamics within such relationships in old age (Straka & Montminy, 2006). In other words, the elder abuse research perspective has homogenized older people by being gender-blind and paying little attention to interpersonal relations throughout the life

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course (Hightower et al., 2008). Hence, the needs of this population are not addressed. Moreover, they experience internal and external barriers to help-seeking (Beaulaurier, Seff, Newman, & Dunlop, 2005, 2007). Narratives of IPV in old age The narrative approach emphasizes the way people, as story tellers, construct their cognitive world and define their personal identity (Polkinghorne, 1991). As people age, they bring forth their subjective reality including historical events and experiences, and the implications these have on their lives, creating a process of reconstruction. Personal narratives of men and women in lifelong IPV provide a deep life course perspective. It includes richness of thoughts, emotions and experiences that reflect personal, interpersonal and social processes that assist in understanding and constructing their lifelong IPV. Meaning making is achieved through the story and supplies not only content to the relationship as a lived experience but also the construction of the “self” (Kenyon, Ruth, & Mader, 1999). The narratives deal with the conflictual couple experience and are planted within a unique time, place and cultural context, which enable the recollection of a range of insights into aging in IPV (Band-Winterstein, 2006; Cohler, 1996; Pratt & Fierse, 2004). More recent qualitative studies use narratives to understand the meaning and effects of long-term intimate violence. These narratives focus on the perspectives of older battered women. They explore how older women become entrapped, as well as the reasons for their decision to remain in a violent relationship throughout their lives, despite the long-term consequences (Band-Winterstein, 2006; Buchbinder & Winterstein, 2003; Mears, 2003; Montminy, 2005; Schaffer, 1999; Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2005; Zink et al., 2006). These women develop various coping strategies including reevaluation of themselves and their relationships, enabling a more positive self-perception and a rethink concerning their limited possibilities related to survival without their spouse (Pritchard, 2000a,b; Zink, Jacobson, Regan, & Pabst, 2004; Zink et al., 2003, 2006). These narratives also relate to existential issues of living and aging in a violent IPV. Issues such as loneliness, mourning and remorse, which worsen alongside the losses relating to old age, make the women needier and their suffering more visible (Band-Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2009; Lazenbatt et al., 2010). It was found that women need to tell their stories of living a life in IPV to gain confirmation and appreciation of their ongoing suffering. This is the essence of their aging in violence and personal survival from their perspective (Schaffer, 1999; Smith & Hightower, 2000; Vinton, 1999, 2001). Although the voice of older women is heard less than the voice of younger women, the voice of men as the transgressor in lifelong IPV is almost never heard. The aim of this article is to explore how couples, who are living in lifelong IPV, constructed aging in IPV. This might contribute to a deeper understanding of violent relationships in older couples. Method The material for this article was drawn from a larger qualitative study on scripts of interpersonal relationships in

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the shadow of lifelong violence (Band-Winterstein, 2006). The descriptive power of the qualitative approach enables an examination of the encounter between old age and IPV (Becker, 1992; Moustakas, 1994). This creates a unique narrative for women and men, which sheds light on their experience through the double lens of old age and IPV. Sample and sampling Participants were recruited using theoretical sampling (Patton, 2002), representing a broad diversity of lifelong IPV. The women were clients of the units for prevention and treatment of elder abuse in the municipal social services agencies, and were recruited through those agencies. Their spouses were asked to participate and they agreed. The inclusion criteria were as follows: women aged 62 and above and men aged 67 and above (based on the National Insurance Institute definition of pension eligibility); who had lived or were living in IPV for at least 20 years, and have experienced it during the preceding year; and had built a family together, including adult children and grandchildren. “Living in IPV” refers to a wide range of behaviors, such as physical violence, emotional abuse, limitation of freedom, and an overall atmosphere of power and control. The exclusion criterion was a spouse coping with cognitive deterioration. According to reports of the social services agencies, the men were identified as the perpetrators, and the women as the victims. This labeling was confirmed by the narratives of their adult children who also took part in the research. The number of participants (30 individuals/15 couples) was determined by theoretical saturation (Padgett, 1998).

Participants' age ranged from 62 to 84 years (the women's mean age was 70.7, and the men's—74). Couples had between one and seven children, and all were grandparents. Most (13) couples were clients of the municipal social service agencies. All participants were retired. Approximately half of the participants reported moderate health and the rest reported poor health, and they all reported upper-middle to lower-middle socioeconomic status. Most were secular Jews, approximately a quarter were traditional and the rest were religious. The couples represented diverse ethnic origins and levels of education (Table 1). Research procedure and instruments Face to face in-depth interviews were conducted with each individual participant, according to the narrative tradition. Interviews lasted 1.5–2.5 h, were tape-recorded and transcribed verbatim. The narrative interview began with a broad open question: “Tell me the story of your life in partner violence”. During the narration, the interviewers asked clarifying questions about living with IPV through the years, based on McAdams's (1993, 1995) approach of describing life stages, turning points, events, context and meaningful figures such as significant others. They also provided prompts, such as: “Tell me how you met each other;” “Describe your first violent event with your partner;” and “Tell me about a meaningful event in old age that became a turning point in your relationship.” Each interviewee signed a letter of consent to participate. The letter included a promise to safeguard their privacy. I assured each participant that her or his interview would not

Table 1 Participants' demographics. Couple 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Name

Age

Family status

Land of origin

Religious status

Health

Years of marriage

No. of children

Isaac Miriam Ya'acov Rina Nachum Talia Shimon Pnina Herzl Sharona Moshe Ora Yigal Sonia Ze'ev Anette Dov Tzila Menachem Malka Yosef Shifra Yisra'el Shoshana Zalman Rivka Shlomo Mona Misha Shulamit

71 65 78 68 70 65 80 77 66 66 76 63 70 67 70 67 82 84 80 76 76 75 73 76 73 70 73 72 72 70

Separated Separated Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married Married married Married

Morocco Morocco Egypt Turkey Israel Israel Morocco Morocco Yemen Yemen Morocco Morocco Israel Israel Iraq Iraq Czech Republic Yugoslavia Greece Turkey Israel Israel Iraq Iraq Romania Poland Israel Egypt Egypt Egypt

Traditional Traditional Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Religious Religious Secular Religious Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Religious Religious Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular Secular

Moderate Moderate Poor Moderate Moderate Moderate Moderate Poor Moderate Poor Poor Moderate Poor Poor Moderate Moderate Poor Poor Poor Poor Moderate Moderate Poor Poor Poor Poor Poor Poor Moderate Moderate

42

5

30

4

47

3

60

5

47

7

49

6

50

2

49

3

60

2

50

3

54

3

53

6

54

3

54

2

50

3

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be revealed to or shared with their spouse. Identifying details were changed to preserve confidentiality. In addition, interviews were saved on the first author's personal computer allowing access only to the relevant researchers. The study was approved by the Ethics Committee Authorities of the University of Haifa, Israel, taking into account the sensitivity of IPV as a research topic (Renzetti & Lee, 1993). Analysis A dyadic approach was used in order to capture the shared experience by the members of the dyad and focuses on identifying overlap and contrast in the couple data (Eisikovits & Koren, 2010). Two researchers began the analysis by reading the text as a holistic content relating to the life story as a whole (Liblich, Tuval-Mashiach, & Zilber, 1998). Then, they performed separately categorical-content analysis consistent with the narrative approach of Liblich et al. (1998). Both researchers separately isolated the narrative segments and categories within the interview story, deriving larger patterns and meanings (Creswell, 1998), which were then discussed until disagreements were settled. This led to a conceptualization of the content into shared narratives of old age and of living in IPV. These narratives revealed interplay between old age and IPV, as presented in the Findings section. Trustworthiness Trustworthiness was achieved in several ways. First, the interview material was transcribed verbatim, enabling the researchers to return to the original narrations. Second, each of the authors analyzed the material separately. Third, they performed peer debriefing through working with other experienced qualitative researchers, whose contribution was in asking provocative questions related to the analysis, to ensure credibility (Lincoln & Guba, 1985). All the selected quotes represented most of the participants' interview content and were translated from Hebrew. Findings Common elements observed in the participants' narratives were that old age sometimes influenced the experience of IPV and narratives of IPV sometimes influenced the experience of

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old age. This was expressed in the perception of the partners, and in the power–control relationship, relating to commitment and caring, and to the degree of emotional closeness and distance in the couple's interaction. Three main domains emerged from the data: health issue narratives, loneliness narratives and relationships with adult offspring narratives. Each of the narratives that emerged from data analysis will be presented as a narrative of old age constructing IPV and as a narrative of IPV constructing old age. Quotes chosen for each narrative are representative of most participants' experiences with lifelong IPV. A summary of the findings can be found in Table 2. Health issues Health plays a major role in older people's narratives, as a major challenge in everyday life. People speak about their health, including physical and mental disabilities and decline, which affect the quality of life and serve as a reminder that the end is approaching (Umberson, Williams, Powers, Liu, & Needham, 2006). The first two quotes illustrate how lifelong IPV constructs old age in the context of health issues. Sonia, age 67, married for 50 years, says: Because of him, I suffered nearly all my life. I was afraid to sleep at night. I would find him near my bed, wanting to kill me. My blood pressure was 200/100 from the stress of it. I have diabetes, high cholesterol, I'm sick out of fear, my nerves make me ill, a sick woman without an illness. I'm only 60 and I'm already suffering because of him. Her partner, Yigal, age 70, describes the following: I feel very bad. I get headaches…I want to lie down. My only rest is in sleep, when I can forget about the reality… I want to die. So when I get up, all the pain comes flooding back… how did I live with her? She gave me no rest and no life. How did I have the patience to live with her like that?… I tried, believe me, if I had left her 18 or 20 years ago, she would have died… it was my strength that kept her going. In the end, she tells me that I used to hit her. She can go to Hell, she can go where she is now, she can fall into the abyss…

Table 2 Summary of findings: the interplay between couplehood and old age. Couplehood as a figure and old age as a ground

Old age as a figure and couplehood as a ground

Health

* * * *

Loneliness

* Physical repulsion * Emotional detachment * Schismogenesis that makes old age more difficult

Relationship with adult offspring

* Ensuring continuation of the conflictual relationship after one's death * Monument of suffering * Implant of intergenerational transference

* Illness changes the balance of power and control * Caregiving obligation as the first priority * Fear of death and separation enables the couples to stay together * Caregiving in old age fills the existential emptiness of the relationship * Accepting an unfulfilling relationship * Idealizing the couplehood * Values and norms of respect and caregiving * Commitment to marriage * Adult offspring as witnesses from afar * Actively involved as negotiators * As a balancing mechanism of power and control.

Premature aging Fatigue of body and soul Illness due to stress and fear Alienation, estrangement, and abandonment

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Common to both partners is the sense of frailty, exhaustion and illness, which they attribute to long years of conflict. This woman appears to have aged before her time due to the fear of her spouse in the violent couplehood. Although she is not chronologically old, her body and soul express fatigue caused by the violent relationship, which directs all her energy towards coping with illness and leads to frustration. Aging before her time represents a narrative of IPV, which constructs old age, influencing her self-perception. As opposed to her partner's opinion of himself, Yigal perceives himself as a good husband, who had patience for his wife and cared for her. He considers her exposure of the violence to be a betrayal of their couplehood. He feels physically and emotionally unwell, sees no reason to live and considers his partner to be ungrateful. The next quotes illustrate how illness creates a gap that cannot be bridged between the two members of the couple. As Sharona, age 66, married for 47 years describes, We fought, he slapped me… I was very sick with pneumonia. He was in the next room, but he never came to ask how I was, or if I wanted a cup of tea or needed anything. He says he's my friend, but in these situations, I'm alone, which hurts. Contrary to this, her partner Herzl, age 66, illustrates the conflictual nature of their couplehood as: I would like to go to work, to get up in the morning, wish her a nice day, a kiss, for her to greet me with a kiss and bring me a drink when I come back from work, afterwards something to eat, and to have a kind word when I'm sick. After that, she can walk on me like on a carpet, however she likes… in our relationship today, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, complete emptiness, it is not worth anything, bitterness, irritability, depression, no peace of mind, fatigue, I have no appetite any more. This is not how it should be. I go out to work in the morning and I keep on working, just so as not to go home, because I have nowhere to go. Situations of illness were significant for Sharona because of the increased neediness in old age. She perceives his violent behavior as reflecting what lies ahead and what she can expect in preparation for her inevitable aging. This leads to alienation, estrangement and abandonment as the essence of their togetherness. A narrative of a conflictual relationship embeds within it the concept of disloyalty and betrayal of friendship. The situation of illness emphasizes the problematic relationship of IPV that is stronger than the needs of old age. Contrary to this, her partner presents his ideal picture of couplehood that he would like to have between them, including receiving her attention when he is sick, when he leaves for work in the morning or when he returns home. All these elements are missing from their current relationship, and both he and his partner experience nothingness, a lack of interest and negative emotions, which project onto his emotional and physical condition. He sums up his feelings in the statement: “I keep on working, just so as not to go

home, because I have nowhere to go,” describing the distance and alienation in their relationship. The couple's point of view illustrates the implications of an empty relationship on the couple's physical and emotional condition. The next quotes, of Malka, age 76, married for 50 years, shows how old age shapes lifelong IPV in the health context: He has been sick like this for four years, after a stroke. We have had arguments during his illness. Now, thank God, he's calmed down and he is old. I pity him. Since his suffering, I forgot what he did to me. I pray to God: “Give me strength to take care of him”. I say to myself: “Let's remember only the good things”. I don't take revenge. He doesn't ask what I do with the money any more, but I share the information with him. He is totally dependent on me, he could die… A week ago, he was a bit angry, I told him not to raise his voice, and he said: “No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to”. The next quote illustrates how the destructive couplehood vanishes following illness in old age from the point of view of her spouse, Menachem, age 80: I don't feel well, get medicine, suffer a lot, my head explodes and now it's worse, I feel dizzy, weak and that I'm going to die. I want to die, I'm afraid, I'm waiting to die each day… she takes good care of me, she does everything for me, we went through good years and bad things, but everything is forgotten. Now, it's OK. Illness in old age can change the power balance, pushing violence into the background when everyday life is filled with caregiving, in which Malka plays a major role. Despite the lifelong violence, she takes his care upon herself, thereby giving new meaning to life with her spouse, focusing on preventing his premature death. She succeeds in manipulating the memory of violence and tries to balance between the good and bad within the couple's relationship. Caregiving shapes a new identity for her and her spouse, blurs the violent identity and swallows a lifelong history of violence. The new identity is legitimized by the change in power and dependence, such as in the handling of money. The end of life and fear of death cause Menachem to focus on his suffering, his fatigue and acceptance of reality. It seems that knowing that his days are numbered leads him to construct his couplehood in such a way that will facilitate his peaceful departure from this world. His narrative emphasizes the importance of his wife's caregiving, while the couple's relationship loses its value and is placed far in the background. From the discussion above it follows that health issues' narratives are primarily about IPV, but when the man is very sick and needs intensive caregiving, old age becomes dominant. Loneliness Loneliness could play a part in older persons' narratives. The need for closeness and intimacy is an integral part of life. Physical, familial and social losses of old age intensify the risk of loneliness. Remaining in a lifelong IPV relationship leads to emotional detachment and living in loneliness with one's spouse.

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The husbands are presented through negative images that increase with old age, as illustrated by Talia, age 65, married for 47 years: What can I say? We had many quarrels. One quarrel followed by another creates distance from the person. He devours food, he's a monster; he can hit me and then eat as if nothing happened. I didn't want to have sex with him, I was disgusted with him. He gets into bed wearing smelly socks, and climbs on top of me like an animal. He gives me hell; he's like a ticking bomb. Now he's old (it's getting worse), he neglects his personal hygiene, he soils the toilet and doesn't clean up after himself… so now, I have nothing with him, I feel sad and lonely. Her partner, Nachum, age 70, narrates as follows: My wife claims that my work harms our family life, that I chase other women. It bothered me a bit, she had all sorts of suspicions, which lead to conflicts, arguments, judgments and things. There were conflicts, shouting matches, disputes, she would have her say and I would have mine and the argument would remain. She simply remembers these things better than I do, I don't try to remember. Now and again, she throws out some unnecessary word and that lights both our fuses. I try to avoid argument as much as possible. Sometimes, I succeed, sometimes I don't. There are certain things that are likely to get worse, which can flare up again. She is not with me; it's as if she is going against me. She doesn't understand me enough. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth… Mutual to both partners is the sense of loneliness, acerbated due to long years of conflict. Talia uses negative images as a central motif in her narrative, describing the husband as repulsive, disgusting and brutal, reflecting her fear and hatred. As she cannot physically resist, her negative images create an inner barrier that enables her to be physically present but emotionally absent. This internal detachment creates estrangement and distance from the spouse, heightening the lonely aspect of their relationship, creating schismogenesis (Denzin, 1984), an irreparable tear. Contrary to this, the partner describes his wife as the one who prevents him from managing his life. He dismisses their arguments as minimal, but notes, nevertheless, that sometimes, they flare up. Although he expects his partner to be with him, he describes her as “going against him,” with the resulting “bad taste” in their relationship. This expresses his loneliness, which he experiences as the essence of their relationship. The next quotes illustrate how old age shapes lifelong IPV in the context of loneliness from the perspective of a battering husband, Isaac, age 71, married for 42 years, who lately separated from his wife: I still love this woman. Every day I pray that I will forget her, but I cannot. At my age, I learned what loneliness is about. I am willing to give in, to be not so lonely. With all her craziness, I am willing to appreciate this woman today and that she will appreciate me. There will be no more fighting; on the contrary, love might even grow.

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His partner, Miriam, age 65, describes their couplehood and her feelings as follows: I have so many things to remember. It hurts, even though I am here, and I have everything I need, it hurts inside. Everyone says to me, you're killing yourself, you want to be sick, forget about him, but I can't forget… I want to live, to take care of my health, I don't need a man… didn't I suffer enough with the first one, I don't miss having a man, I have my family and the children, all I need is one good [woman] friend to go out with, and that's all… Living in IPV has become so intolerable that this couple separated. However, after a short period of living in loneliness, the husband idealizes the relationship with his wife. It seems that the losses that accompany old age and loneliness overcome a battering husband's pride, making him willing to pay the price of overlooking his wife's “craziness”. Old age and loneliness shadow a lifelong IPV relationship, placing the narrative of old age in the primary position, and partner-violence as secondary. Contrary to this, whereas the man's drama revolves around the difficulty of forgetting his love for his partner and replacing her with someone else, the wife's drama lies in her inability to forget his violent, abusive behavior and to overcome the incessant pain. Nevertheless, similar to her partner, she also wants to live and sees herself developing friendships with women in the future. Any opportunity for a relationship with a man is rejected, and serves as a red rag to a bull for her, which arouses the pain. Thus, the main message for her is the pain, when the memory is designed to arouse it. She acknowledges her loneliness, which she prefers to avoid through other types of relationships, such as with family members and friends. Norms of “respect for elders” and the duty to care for them are described as follows by Rina, age 68, married for 30 years: If I leave him, it's not good. My conscience won't allow it. At his age, 76, it's not nice to leave and neglect him. I don't have feelings for him (because of the violence). I respect him because he's old and because he's my husband, I have to care for him… With the children at home, it's different, but when we're home alone, it's very difficult. When he was hospitalized, I was alone. It is sad to be alone. It is hard, very hard. When he was in the hospital, I was alone. I kept the light on all night, but to be alone, alone at home, is very difficult. Her husband, Ya'acov: age 78, said: So, I used to sometimes say that I would leave her, with all her insanity, but how can I leave her? I would feel so guilty! Who would take care of her? It's criminal. If I would die, then it's not the same, but while I'm still alive, I say to myself, no matter, you've made your own bed and have to lie on it. Sometimes, I look and think how to make life more pleasant… I struggle, but I can't change. It is difficult. I have good days and I put them on the scales and see what could be better. At my age, I can't be alone. That's what God sent me…

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The main motif in this narrative is that being together is better than being alone. In light of this, the wife builds a narrative of staying, which includes values and norms of respect and caregiving, commitment to marriage, to her husband's old age and to his health. For her husband also, the awareness of the difficulty of being alone at his age leads to his creation of a loss–benefit scale, and the togetherness is preferable over the aloneness. The statement, “That's what God sent me” indicates his coming to terms with his destiny, in spite of the criticism of his wife's behavior and her “insanity”. He performs a comprehensive self-examination of his life and reaches the conclusion that the real difficulty is his—the difficulty of staying alone. The fear of being alone in old age provides the push, the motivation and the assistance to construct such a version that enables him to continue their life together, through defining her shortcomings, disregarding his ongoing, active violence and calling upon destiny. His partner, Rina, uses similar justifications. All these give new meaning to the couplehood relationship and the violence is absent from their cognitive and emotional map. In summary, loneliness in the couples' relationships is created by IPV and acerbated by the fear of being alone in old age. Relationships with adult offspring The natural course of events is that adult offspring leave home and raise families of their own. In families living in IPV, this has unique consequences for the role of the children in the lives of the aging couple. The children remain involved in the control struggle, as a continuation of the difficult and violent relationship between IPV parents throughout the years. This is illustrated below by Sharona, age 66, married for 47 years: The day we returned from court, I wrote my will and said to my children: “Your father tortured me all these years, therefore I ask you all to execute my will if something happens to me; that your father will not be at my funeral. I want to be buried alone”. The children asked: “What is this you're leaving us, and demanding of us?” Her husband, Herzl, age 66, described his perception as follows: She incited the girls, only she. The girls made all that mess… the boys have a good relationship with me, they are all together, all the same. They're between the devil and the deep blue sea, they don't intervene. The girls do intervene, and that is what destroyed everything. Today, the boys don't talk to the girls. Today, they know that the girls destroyed everything, that they were the ones who did the damage… the children are broken, ashamed, helpless… Look, I understand them, on the one hand, I'm their father, and I'm their good father. On the other hand, she is their mother and I also gave them the message that they must respect her. They are in a dilemma. They just don't know what to do. She has no forgiveness, not in this world nor in the next. She destroyed six families, not just Dad and Mom.

The partners expose their difficult relationship system and involve the children. In the man's perception, two camps have been created, where the girls support their mother and the boys support him. According to his testimony, the children are “between the devil and the deep blue sea”. The whole family is witness to the fact that the family system has collapsed in the present, but as is apparent from the mother's narrative, this was the case also in the past. This mother's narrative reveals that while she is still alive, she is trying to use her children to control future events after her death. Through her last will, she expresses her pain in living a lifetime in IPV. This serves as an indictment towards her husband and as a monument of suffering to be continued by her children. The antagonistic relationship between the spouses is so powerful that she passes it over old age, beyond this period, to after her death. It seems that old age is perceived as marginal to the marital conflict, and the children's role is to continue bearing the “torch” of their parents' relationship. The next quote of Ora, age 63, married for 49 years, illustrates how a narrative of old age constructs lifelong IPV through the need for intervention by adult offspring: What can I do? I can't stand him. At his age, 76, it is not nice to leave him and neglect him. And also, I have an obligation, I am married to him, I have an obligation to care for him. He is old. He says to me: “You care for me like you used to care for your father”. Lately, six or seven years ago, he started hitting me when I talk. The children didn't like this; they came between us and said: “What do you want? If you continue, Mom will leave home and you'll be alone”. In the end, he was afraid and said: “[Controlling the couplehood] doesn't work at my age. Her husband, Moshe, age 76, narrates as follows: What reason have I to argue with her? Believe me, all I want is peace and quiet for myself. Old age is a problem. The children encourage me today, they are OK. They encourage me, they call me. I have a daughter who works hard, she comes here and gets in touch every day. Dad, how are you, how are you doing? Also the other one, they come nearly every holiday, on vacations, they bring the girls… I was never the cause of any arguments… I feel no hatred toward her, it's finished. I'm not the type of person who keeps on hating, no. I feel no hatred toward her. At one time, I did hate her, that's the truth. So where would I go? I don't want to be a burden to the children. Old age influences both parents. The change that old age brings within the violent relationship obligates the children to intervene more actively in their parents' conflictual couplehood by negotiating and “policing” roles. The husband's remark that it “doesn't work at his age” indicates the need and effectiveness of the children's intervention, to create a more tolerable balance of power and control. The woman avoids referring to her husband as her partner because of her loathing toward him, as a result of their relationship system, and treats him as an older person in need of care. Nevertheless, she is no longer able to stand the violence against her and exploits her partner's old age

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and weakness through the children's intervention. Her partner is aware of his old age, and his statement, “Old age is a problem” illustrates the change that was forced upon him. The children make sure that he keeps to the rules of the game. He is helped by the children and focuses on the attention that they give him. Their concern and interest in his health and well-being enable him to construct the children's intervention as neutral, and at the same time, to construct his attitude to his partner in such a way that will enable the continuation of the relationship, which, according to him, is not to become a burden to the children. Reconstructing the new narrative enables him to settle the contradictions between continuing their joint life under one roof and finding other possibilities. He understands that, in his present situation, any other option of living outside the home is impossible, and therefore, the construction is based on emphasizing on the fact that he is old, sick and wretched. The tactic that he chooses to strengthen this version is through setting a clear line between the past and the present. In this manner, all violent relationship systems are left behind, and the present behavior conveys moderation and acceptance. To sum up, the adult offspring of the couples are involved in their parents' relationship throughout their life span, but now take on a new role, mostly because they are now grown-ups and can be relied on. The history of IPV and old age together create a new reality, in which parents have wasted most of their mental and physical resources, and need the adult children in order to cope. Discussion The findings in this study illuminate the dynamics of IPV in old age through a narrative lens by bringing a dyadic viewpoint. Narratives are one way of organizing, interpreting and constructing meaning in relation to life experiences by retaining coherence and continuity. This is also true for people who live a lifetime in IPV. They need to construct a story containing order and meaning to give themselves a sense of control and coherence at this stage (McAdams, 2006). In terms of gerontological narrative, the story changes, according to clock time and to story time (Kenyon et al., 1999). Therefore, we can sometimes see a shift toward narratives of old age, which replace narratives of IPV at this point in life. The manner in which people choose to narrate their life events and ascribe meaning to them is an inseparable part of the life story. Life events construct the narrative and this narrative influences their life (McAdams, 2006). For people living in lifelong IPV, violence is a way of life that can affect coping with old age and making aging more difficult. Such narratives construct couple relationships characterized by antagonism, hostility, suspicion and suffering (Black, 2009). The violence nourishes the long-term relationship and vice versa. In old age, these relationships are experienced as empty, unfulfilling and lacking in warmth, with an inability to bridge the gaps (Band-Winterstein, 2006; Sato & Heiby, 1992). By shifting to a narrative of old age, the experience with violence can grant new meaning to the experience of old age, which could result in making life and the end of life easier. It seems that constructing narratives of old age enables the couples to accept their lifelong IPV.

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People living in lifelong IPV experience unhappy marriages (Hawkins & Booth, 2005), which are characterized by health problems that influence well-being (Hawkins & Booth, 2005; Walker & Luszcz, 2009). The negative emotions that dominate the relationship such as alienation, estrangement, fatigue of body and soul, fear and stress, influence health by causing premature decline in relation to chronological age (Hawkins & Booth, 2005). This represents the interplay between IPV and old age. Whereas for the women, the memory of the violence remains a lived experience, for the men, the memories of violence are vague, marginalized and nonexistent. Whereas young men feel that they are staying in the couplehood out of choice (Eisikovits & Winstok, 2002), the older, unhealthy men believe that they have no choice and are trapped in the relationship for fear of a lonely future (Band-Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2009). Therefore, they manipulate their memories and construct narratives that encapsulate the memories of violence. The health effects of life events and transitions often depend on when they occur (Daaleman & Elder, 2007). Moreover, health was found to be the most important life domain for aging people (Hsieh, 2005). Deterioration of health experienced in old age in lifelong IPV brings a welcome change from the harsh, violent reality experienced in the past. Illness changes the balance of power and control in a way that enables the wife to discover positive emotions of compassion along with the traditional gender-role distribution of commitment to a taken-for-granted caregiving task. Her behavior is in spite of the delicate texture of the traumatic memories of violence (Band-Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2009). As death approaches and separation is near, the traumatic bonding intensifies within the couplehood, creating a new sense of closeness (Dutton, 1995) and challenging the meaning of life in the context of quality of life (Borglina, Edberga, & Hallberg, 2005). Caregiving in old age fills the existential emptiness of the relationship, granting it meaning (Cartwright, Archbold, Stewart, & Limandri, 1994; Wade & Shantall, 2005). Whereas loneliness and the fear of being alone (Heidegger, 1927/1962) intensifies in old-age (Gibson, 2000), it is a constant presence in the spouses' lives in IPV throughout the years (Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2005). It is expressed through physical repulsion, and emotional detachment to such a degree that schismogenesis (Denzin, 1984), an irreparable tear, is created, making old age more difficult. The combination of loneliness, violence and old age creates a unique narrative of fear of abandonment. Such a couplehood that continues into old age is threatened by loneliness, lack of meaning and accumulated losses. Staying together in IPV calls for creating a new narrative to include acceptance of living in an unfulfilled relationship. This is expressed differently by women and men. Women relate to social norms and values such as respect for elders, caregiving as a dominant role and commitment to the institution of marriage. Older battered women have been socialized to traditional values concerning gender roles; they tend to be submissive in the family context which is protected by privacy rules, high degree of commitment and loyalty in spite of violence (Aronson et al., 1995; Seaver, 1996; Wolf, 2000; Zink et al., 2003). Health related reasons increase women's dependency or commitment to the physically disabled partner (Seaver, 1996; Wolf, 2000). Men idealize the couplehood and

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express willingness to remain. Due to the severity of their medical condition, they experience themselves as more dependent on their wives. To ensure proper treatment, they attempt to wipe out the unpleasant memories of their violent behavior and to highlight the better periods in their life span. The man's use of violence is calculated based on a cost/benefit analysis, whereas the target, visible or hidden, may change (Band-Winterstein, 2006). By constructing such narratives, older persons find a way to overcome and cope with possible negative feelings, such as loneliness, creating a narrative of old age, also leading to improved well-being and health (Cappeliez, Guindon, & Robitaille, 2008). The involvement of adult offspring with their aging parents plays a central role in IPV. It is built into the relationship and is therefore not up for negotiation. Narratives of IPV refer to adult offspring continuing their roles as active witnesses, even in preparation for the period after the parents' deaths. When the parents' old age becomes a dominant factor in life, it dictates the involvement of the adult offspring as balancing mechanisms of power and control, which demand their constant alertness. The conflictual relationship over the years colors the inter-generational relationship in negative terms and creates ambivalent ties between parents and adult offspring (Van Gaalen, Dykstra, & Komter, 2010). Through old age, the IPV parents attempt to create a narrative of normality toward caregiving between grownup children and their parents. In this context, they emphasize the social norm that adult offspring should take care of their older parents (Walker, Pratt, & Eddy, 1995). They expect them to continue and to intensify this role. Therefore, the children find themselves sustaining their role as messengers, advocators and moderators between their parents. To summarize, old age, loneliness and health issues create a new reality for couples living in a lifelong violent relationship. This calls for the need to create a different narrative that reflects the neediness of the men and women, which unites both their interests. Couple time is built on the past, but moves in one direction toward a threatening future. In this manner, it can be seen how narratives of IPV intertwine with the narrative of old age, making them inseparable. Limitations This study was limited in its lack of cultural, ethnic and demographic diversities. Although the participants come from various lands of origin, they are all Jews who have lived in Israel for at least fifty years. Research with participants who have immigrated to Israel recently, or with Arab participants, could provide a broader picture of the interplay between narratives of old age and of lifelong IPV. Further research is suggested in the following directions: One is to broaden the perspective on conflictual and nonconflictual couplehood in old age, relating to the dynamics of happy and unhappy types of long- and short-term marital relationships. Another direction is to explore conflictual and non-conflictual couplehood in old age from an intergenerational perspective. Professionals should be aware of the two main innovations that we have attempted to highlight in this study: first, that interplay occurs between narratives of IPV and narratives of old age, and that they are not merely separate

entities. Second, one should recognize that IPV in old age is not static or one-dimensional, but is a diverse phenomenon related to old-age development. Implications Old age is the last opportunity for partners living in lifelong IPV to construct their relationship in a positive way. The therapeutic narrative approach may be a helpful intervention, for it focuses on creating a series of functional existential meanings that attempt to fit in with the needs of the spouses (Kropf & Tandy, 1998). This approach helps to reframe the narratives and replace those that have reached a dead end. The reframing assists in highlighting the strengths and abilities of the couple and sets them free from destructive narratives. The spouses' narratives can be bridged by negotiating reconciliation and forgiveness processes, thereby providing a better meaning for their we-ness and ending their journey, not only with a dominant painful narrative of living in violence, but also with a new, more meaningful narrative provided by old age. Further research should attempt to try and capture significant pictures (Black, 2009) of life events and trajectories along the spouses' life course. These pictures could provide another medium through which we can learn about the interplay between old age and lifelong IPV. References Aronson, J., Thornewell, C., & Williams, K. (1995). Wife assault in old age: Coming out of obscurity. Canadian Journal on Aging, 14, 72–88. http://dx.doi.org/ 10.1017/S0714980800005602. Band-Winterstein, T. (2006). Family members' perspectives on life in intimate violence over the life span: Scripts of interpersonal and intergenerational relationships in the shadow of violence (Ph.D. Dissertation, University of Haifa, Israel). [in Hebrew] Band-Winterstein, T., & Eisikovits, Z. (2009). Aging out of violence: The multiple faces of intimate violence over the life span. Qualitative Health Research, 19(2), 164–180. http://dx.doi.org/10.1177/1049732308329305. Beaulaurier, R. L., Seff, L. R., & Newman, F. L. (2008). Barriers to help-seeking for older women who experience intimate partner violence: A descriptive model. Journal of Women & Aging, 20, 231–248. http://dx.doi.org/ 10.1080/08952840801984543. Beaulaurier, R. L., Seff, L. R., Newman, F. L., & Dunlop, B. (2005). Internal barriers to help seeking for middle-aged and older-women who experience intimate partner violence. Journal of Elder Abuse & Neglect, 17(3), 53–73. http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J084v17n03_04. Beaulaurier, R. L., Seff, L. R., Newman, F. L., & Dunlop, B. (2007). External barriers to help seeking for older women who experience intimate partner violence. Journal of Family Violence, 22, 747–755. http://dx.doi.org/ 10.1007/s10896-007-9122-y. Becker, C. S. (1992). Living and relating: An introduction to phenomenology. Newbury Park, CA: Sage. Bengtson, V. L., Elder, G. H., Jr., & Putney, N. M. (2005). The life course perspective on ageing: Linked lives, timing and history. In M. L. Johnson (Ed.), The Cambridge handbook of age and ageing (pp. 493–501). Cambridge University Press. Black, H. K. (2009). Pictures of suffering in elders' narratives. Journal of Aging Studies, 23, 82–89. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.jaging.2008.12.002. Borglina, G., Edberga, A. -K., & Hallberg, I. R. (2005). The experience of quality of life among older people. Journal of Aging Studies, 19, 201–220. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.jaging.2004.04.001. Buchbinder, E., & Winterstein, T. (2003). “Like a wounded bird”: Older battered women's life experiences with intimate violence. Journal of Elder Abuse & Neglect, 15(2), 23–44. http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J084v15n02_02. Cappeliez, P., Guindon, M., & Robitaille, A. (2008). Functions of reminiscence and emotional regulation among older adults. Journal of Aging Studies, 22, 266–272. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.jaging.2007.06.003. Cartwright, J. C., Archbold, P. G., Stewart, B. J., & Limandri, B. (1994). Enrichment processes in family caregiving to frail elders. Advances in Nursing Science, 17(1), 31–43.

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Zlotnick, C., Johnson, D. M., & Kohn, R. (2006). Intimate partner violence and long-term psychosocial functioning in a national sample of American women. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 21, 262–275. http://dx.doi.org/ 10.1177/0886260505282564. Tova Band-Winterstein PhD, is a lecturer in the Department of Gerontology and a Research Associate at the Center for the Study of Aging in the Faculty of Social Welfare and Health Sciences, University of Haifa.