- Email: [email protected]
Tensions, pursuits and options in contemporary education
Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 33 (2012) 258 –000–000 262 Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences 00 (2011)
Procedia Social and Behavioral Sciences www.elsevier.com/locate/procedia
PSIWORLD 2011
Tensions, pursuits and options in contemporary education Gabriel Albua* a
Petroleum-Gas University of Ploiesti, Romania
Abstract Theoreticians and practicians in the field of education are permanently preoccupied to find the most efficient methods to stimulate the activity/participation of pupils and to shape their personality. Their fundamental options are: either power-based methods, or love-based methods. The study shows that those who seek mainly to maintain and strengthen control will predominantly use power-based means (especially the punishments - rewards system) and those who pursue the development, emotional support and freedom of the pupil will mostly use love-based methods. © PublishedbybyElsevier Elsevier B.V. Selection and/or peer-review under responsibility of PSIWORLD2011 © 2012 2011 Published Ltd. Selection and peer-review under responsibility of PSIWORLD 2011
Keywords: education; power; love; teacher; student 1. Introduction In the current (and maybe future) evolution of the society the way in which we relate to the younger generation becomes increasingly apparent. The type of information and the criteria used for selecting it that students acquire in school is equally important as the social and emotional environment where it takes place. Therefore, in the formation of the beliefs and attitudes of students the way we, the teachers, understand to lead, organize and control is not to be taken lightly. The relationship between teacher and student the affective atmosphere in the classroom, influence the behaviour of students both inside and outside school. In the most majority of cases, in order to lead, organize and control the students’ group teachers resort (traditionally) to means of power. They believe the current way of being of young people entitle them to resort to such methods. In their opinion any other way to interact and work with students is either risky or naïve.
*
Corresponding author. Tel.: +40723228415; E-mail address: [email protected].
1877-0428 © 2012 Published by Elsevier B.V. Selection and/or peer-review under responsibility of PSIWORLD2011 doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2012.01.123
Gabriel – 262 GabrielAlbu Albu/ Procedia / Procedia- Social - Socialand andBehavioral BehavioralSciences Sciences3300(2012) (2011)258 000–000
As unrealistic or romantic as it might sound to some positive-realist spirits away from the profound essence of the human soul, a way to work and interact with students is the one based on love. 2. Problem statement As we can easily see, for most of the teachers, the management and organization of the group of students is based on power. They believe that the most important thing in human formation is control and maintaining control. Power is any possibility that a person (or group of persons) impose its goals and realize their interests (even when it meets resistance). It is the ability and the possibility of a subject (individual or group) to impose its will, to compel and achieve obedience in view of achieving its goals. It can designate even the ability to suppress and humiliate. Also, power is the ability to give orders (while the one who receives them must obey). "If in relationships there is no element of order and obedience, then there is no element of power." (p. 47). "There is no power without obedience" writes A. Konfisahor (2008, p. 48). Seen as an individual characteristic, it seems that power is part of human nature itself, of the character of each man (point made by Fr. Nietzsche, B. Russell, A. Adler or CG Jung). Thus, B. Russell (2002) argues that from birth, every human is endowed with the penchant for power and glory, but it achieves it in different ways. According to the great thinker, the desire for power is unevenly distributed among people and limited by many other passions, such as science, peace, pleasure. As we know, we could encounter not only the will of power, but also the power complex: namely, passion for leading and love of power; it is an unhealthy mental state dominated by a focus on amassing power and leadership. Those who have this complex are "people who enormously enjoy leading and giving orders and who do not want to obey anyone," notes A. Konfisahor (2008, p. 47). From the psychological point of view, it is difficult to distinguish between power and abuse of power; there is always the possibility of shifting - imperceptibly – from power to abuse of power (including in the teacher's attitude and behaviour). To a greater or lesser extent power uses the following means of control: persuasion, threats, promises, violence, punishment and rewards (ibid., p. 97). It is always accompanied by the threat of sanctions / punishments in case of disobedience and the promise of rewards in case of submission. According to Th. Gordon (2008), in school’s environment the use of power by a teacher on the students can have the following effects: x resistance, defiance, rebellion, negativity; x resentment, anger, hostility; x assault, retaliation, revenge; x lies, hiding true feelings, behaviours and facts; x blaming others, gossiping, cheating; x putting on airs of superiority, being shameless; x feeling a strong ambition to win, not knowing to lose; x forming alliances, rallying against the teacher / teachers; x submission, obedience, complacency; x seeking to win the teacher’s favour (opportunism, servility); x compliance, lack of creativity, fear of trying something new; x withdrawal, escapism, regression. In short, power induces fear, obedience, rebellion, addiction on the attitudes and reactions of the holder on those to which it is applied (in our case, the students). Of course, any teacher knows that a child can be controlled using power (it is the most convenient, simple and unrefined approach - in terms of psychology and ethics). By the careful handling of rewards
259
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Gabriel / Procedia - Social Behavioral Sciences 33 (2012) 258 – 262 Gabriel AlbuAlbu / Procedia - Social and and Behavioral Sciences 00 (2011) 000–000
and punishments, teachers can encourage certain behaviours in students or they can discourage other behaviours. Since its inception, behaviourism (Crahay, 2009) has argued that people (and animals) tend to repeat a behaviour that brings a reward (that satisfies a need) and to prevent or stop the behaviour for which either it does not receive a reward, or it is punished. Thus, a teacher can reinforce certain behaviour, rewarding the student, and can eliminate / discourage other behaviours, punishing them. After being rewarded and punished enough times, the students can be controlled by only promising them that they would be rewarded in some way or threatening them with further punishment if they behave in an undesirable manner (according, of course, to the claims of their educator) (Gordon, 2008). As we can see, the power of the teacher "to reward and punish (or promise rewards and threaten with punishment) looks like an effective model to control children" (ibid., p. 146, etc.). 3. Discussions and Proposals Another more refined and elegant way to educate is through love. It is not centred on control, i.e. coercion and obedience, but on cooperation, kindness, patience, humility, acceptance and trust. Disapproving, condemning, being ironic or punishing, we do not love but we fear our own loss, our own insecurity. The tool we use is control. "Control is not love. The root of the need to control is insecurity", remarks NuĠă A. (2010, p. 18). Love expands on the freedom of the loved one. It "helps the other to move, to go beyond their own limits, to enrich their experience, to know themselves in depth. True love does not limit, does not erect barriers and does not create prisons. Prisons are created from fear. Most of them are invisible "(NuĠă, 2010, p. 18). In love, we simply do good things. When we love a person we respect their liberty and dignity. Nourished by our love, the loved one becomes increasingly freer. Also, to love is to give. It is an active, productive state, an expression of abundance (in soul and spirit). When we love, we offer our best to our loved one. When we truly love, we offer what we have to offer and do not ask for anything in return. Of course, we receive if we are given. It would be rude to refuse. But we do not claim. In short, when we love, we simply devote. Therefore, (true) love creates freedom and joy. In love, there are no victims. Victims are only in battle. Power assumes struggle. As long as we want power and maintaining it, we are at war. A teacher’s love for their pupils means giving, sacrificing, support and care, kindness and patience, generosity and humility, forgiveness and respect. This requires both partners' independence, freedom, not control, not submission, nor guilt, not coercion or manipulation (Hollis, 2009, p. 135). For "where love prevails, there is no will for power and where power reigns, there is no love" (CG Jung, apud Holllis, 2009). Th. Gordon’s outlook (1974, 2008) is that education is based on love. Accepting others is a fundamental feature of the personality of the one who loves. Everyone feels comfortable around such a person: they can talk openly, can let their guard down, they can leave aside their mask. In short, they can be themselves. According to Th. Gordon, "to accept the other `as is` represents indeed an act of love; to feel accepted means to feel loved" (2008, p. 36). "Acceptance of others, as they are - states the famous American humanistic psychologist (2008) - is an important factor in creating a relationship that helps the other grow, develop, make constructive exchanges, learn to solve problems, strive for a healthy life psychologically, become more productive and creative and reach their own potential"(p. 34). It is one of the simplest but most beautiful paradoxes of life (which, as always, appears when taking a closer look at the relationship between people): "When a person feels that it is accepted by another, as is, then it is free to begin to think about how he wants to change, how he wants to develop, how he can be different, how to overcome his limits "(Gordon, 2008, p. 34).
Gabriel – 262 GabrielAlbu Albu/ Procedia / Procedia- Social - Socialand andBehavioral BehavioralSciences Sciences3300(2012) (2011)258 000–000
Many people, teachers or not, think that if we accept a child the way they are, they will stay the same or will manifest their untamed, wild nature. With this conviction in view, they will use a language and an attitude of non-acceptance that - sooner or later - will alienate children. Very often, non-acceptance makes students (as any man, in fact) close in themselves, makes them take a defensive attitude, causes discomfort (internal and relational), makes them afraid to talk to someone else (or be honest) or really look directly at them (ibid.). Conversely, a language and an attitude of acceptance free children so that they can reveal their feelings, moods, troubles and problems. When teachers learn how to show a real sense of acceptance to the students through their words and deeds, they "are in possession of something that can produce surprising effects. They can teach children to accept and to enjoy themselves, to realize their own value. They can greatly facilitate child development and achieve their potential", the renowned (education) psychologist assures us (2008, p. 36). Th. Gordon believes that when problems occur in teacher-student relationship it is important for the teacher to discover who owns the problem, because to him, problem solving begins with identifying who the problem belongs to. Finding solutions is facilitated if the parties identify and correctly recognize who owns the problem and react accordingly. When the problem belongs to the student, the most important ability of a teacher is to listen. We find, therefore, that a fundamental dimension of teaching competence is the ability to listen. It may be passive listening or active listening. According to T. Gordon (2008), passive listening is a "powerful nonverbal message that can be used effectively in making a person feel truly accepted" (p. 39), acceptance which - as we have seen encourages the development and change / transformation of the interlocutor. In turn, active listening is the most appropriate method when the student (reveals that he/she) has a problem. This is a remarkable way of bonding the student and teacher and strengthening their relationship. Essentially, in the case of active listening the receiver tries to understand how the transmitter feels or what the (depth of the) message represents (without interpreting it from a position of power). Then, testing, he passes the message back as he understood it to be checked by the transmitter, being "only too accustomed to advise them, to lecture them, to question them, to judge them, to threaten or encourage children" (Gordon, 2008, p. 54). Active listening promotes a harmonious relationship between teacher and student, for the "experience of feeling listened to and understood by another person is so satisfactory, that it brings closer the transmitter to the one who listens" (idem, p. 55). Active listening is empathic. In this respect, Th. Gordon notes (2008): "When someone listens with empathy and accuracy to someone else, he can understand that person, can appreciate his point of view - in a word, he becomes that person as long as he puts himself in its stead. Inevitably, if someone manages to gain access to another person, feelings of closeness, attention and love will immediately appear. To empathize with someone else means to regard that person as a close one and still be available to be with them. It means to become a companion for them for a short period of his life. Such an act requires deep conversations and profound affection." (p. 55, etc.). Active listening conveys confidence; it encourages students to think alone, to make their own diagnosis of the problem and to find solutions by themselves. In short, this wonderful ability of the teacher is one of the effective ways to help children, adolescents, young persons to be responsible and more autonomous. But in an educational situation, it is not only the student who may have the problem, but also the teacher. Like any individual, he too has his own needs; he has his life and the right to enjoy it. In such cases, the method recommended by Th. Gordon is the transmission of ‘Me’ messages. This is a way to talk to students, which has a greater opportunity to achieve the change of their unpleasant behaviour and, at the same time, to preserve or to increase their self-esteem, while maintaining a healthy relationship.
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Gabriel / Procedia - Social Behavioral Sciences 33 (2012) 258 – 262 Gabriel AlbuAlbu / Procedia - Social and and Behavioral Sciences 00 (2011) 000–000
These messages contain information about the teacher (transmitter) rather than about the student (receiver); they are less likely to develop resistance or rebellion in the pupils. The teacher honestly communicates the effect of their behaviour on him rather than suggesting something is wrong with them because they behave as they do. When we resort to ‘Me’ messages we transmit others (in our case, students) that we are an individual who can be "hurt, embarrassed, fearful, disappointed, angry, discouraged, etc." (ibid., p.106). In short, we become more transparent, we reveal our humanity. For a teacher, such an attitude is an act of honesty, because, in general, teachers like to be seen as infallible - no weaknesses, vulnerabilities or failure" (ibid.). In a formative context, modesty and openness create closeness - a real interpersonal relationship. Students discover how we – the teachers – really are, and this encourages them to show themselves as they really are. Also called person-centred messages, the ‘me’ messages require, therefore, a lot of courage, honesty, patience, kindness, simplicity and confidence, revealing our own humanity, creating closeness; people no longer feel like strangers when interacting. It is much better, thinks Th. Gordon, to tell students earlier in time what we believe, instead of waiting until they act unacceptably, out of not knowing our needs as teachers. A preventive person-centred message sent in time can save us from other possible confrontations. Students will learn, as well, that their teacher is human, an individual like any other: with needs, desires and preferences just like anyone else. So parts of the education based on love are: effective communication, active listening, understanding each other's feelings, ‘me’ messages, mutual trust, keeping promises. 4. Conclusions and recommendations We need love. We have a great need for love between people. We, the teachers, the educators, are the agent of spreading love among people. In education, love is more important than power and punishments and rewards are more important than communication. Therefore, in forming new generations of teachers a more careful concern for the emotional dimension of their relationship with students is recommended. In this respect, it is appropriate to introduce courses and practical activities related to the manifestation of empathy, stimulating assertive communication and the resolution of conflicts by means of the "everybody wins, nobody loses" method. A further study of the psychology of love and friendship is also recommended. As teachers, it is essential to know and be convinced of the fact that one bad word and a bad deed transforms the good into evil, as well as a good word and a good deed turns the wicked into good. References Gordon, T. (1974). Teacher Effectivenes Training. New York: Crown Publishers. Gordon, T. (2008). Manualul parintilor eficace. Bucharest: Tritonic. Hollis, J. (2009). De ce oamenii buni savarsesc faptele rele? Bucharest: Trei. Konfisahor, A. (2008). Psihologia puterii. Bucharest: EuroPress Group. Nuta, A. (2010). Inchisorile invizibile. Reflectiile unui psihoterapeut nonconformist (2nd ed.). Bucharest: SPER.
Procedia Social and Behavioral Sciences www.elsevier.com/locate/procedia
PSIWORLD 2011
Tensions, pursuits and options in contemporary education Gabriel Albua* a
Petroleum-Gas University of Ploiesti, Romania
Abstract Theoreticians and practicians in the field of education are permanently preoccupied to find the most efficient methods to stimulate the activity/participation of pupils and to shape their personality. Their fundamental options are: either power-based methods, or love-based methods. The study shows that those who seek mainly to maintain and strengthen control will predominantly use power-based means (especially the punishments - rewards system) and those who pursue the development, emotional support and freedom of the pupil will mostly use love-based methods. © PublishedbybyElsevier Elsevier B.V. Selection and/or peer-review under responsibility of PSIWORLD2011 © 2012 2011 Published Ltd. Selection and peer-review under responsibility of PSIWORLD 2011
Keywords: education; power; love; teacher; student 1. Introduction In the current (and maybe future) evolution of the society the way in which we relate to the younger generation becomes increasingly apparent. The type of information and the criteria used for selecting it that students acquire in school is equally important as the social and emotional environment where it takes place. Therefore, in the formation of the beliefs and attitudes of students the way we, the teachers, understand to lead, organize and control is not to be taken lightly. The relationship between teacher and student the affective atmosphere in the classroom, influence the behaviour of students both inside and outside school. In the most majority of cases, in order to lead, organize and control the students’ group teachers resort (traditionally) to means of power. They believe the current way of being of young people entitle them to resort to such methods. In their opinion any other way to interact and work with students is either risky or naïve.
*
Corresponding author. Tel.: +40723228415; E-mail address: [email protected].
1877-0428 © 2012 Published by Elsevier B.V. Selection and/or peer-review under responsibility of PSIWORLD2011 doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2012.01.123
Gabriel – 262 GabrielAlbu Albu/ Procedia / Procedia- Social - Socialand andBehavioral BehavioralSciences Sciences3300(2012) (2011)258 000–000
As unrealistic or romantic as it might sound to some positive-realist spirits away from the profound essence of the human soul, a way to work and interact with students is the one based on love. 2. Problem statement As we can easily see, for most of the teachers, the management and organization of the group of students is based on power. They believe that the most important thing in human formation is control and maintaining control. Power is any possibility that a person (or group of persons) impose its goals and realize their interests (even when it meets resistance). It is the ability and the possibility of a subject (individual or group) to impose its will, to compel and achieve obedience in view of achieving its goals. It can designate even the ability to suppress and humiliate. Also, power is the ability to give orders (while the one who receives them must obey). "If in relationships there is no element of order and obedience, then there is no element of power." (p. 47). "There is no power without obedience" writes A. Konfisahor (2008, p. 48). Seen as an individual characteristic, it seems that power is part of human nature itself, of the character of each man (point made by Fr. Nietzsche, B. Russell, A. Adler or CG Jung). Thus, B. Russell (2002) argues that from birth, every human is endowed with the penchant for power and glory, but it achieves it in different ways. According to the great thinker, the desire for power is unevenly distributed among people and limited by many other passions, such as science, peace, pleasure. As we know, we could encounter not only the will of power, but also the power complex: namely, passion for leading and love of power; it is an unhealthy mental state dominated by a focus on amassing power and leadership. Those who have this complex are "people who enormously enjoy leading and giving orders and who do not want to obey anyone," notes A. Konfisahor (2008, p. 47). From the psychological point of view, it is difficult to distinguish between power and abuse of power; there is always the possibility of shifting - imperceptibly – from power to abuse of power (including in the teacher's attitude and behaviour). To a greater or lesser extent power uses the following means of control: persuasion, threats, promises, violence, punishment and rewards (ibid., p. 97). It is always accompanied by the threat of sanctions / punishments in case of disobedience and the promise of rewards in case of submission. According to Th. Gordon (2008), in school’s environment the use of power by a teacher on the students can have the following effects: x resistance, defiance, rebellion, negativity; x resentment, anger, hostility; x assault, retaliation, revenge; x lies, hiding true feelings, behaviours and facts; x blaming others, gossiping, cheating; x putting on airs of superiority, being shameless; x feeling a strong ambition to win, not knowing to lose; x forming alliances, rallying against the teacher / teachers; x submission, obedience, complacency; x seeking to win the teacher’s favour (opportunism, servility); x compliance, lack of creativity, fear of trying something new; x withdrawal, escapism, regression. In short, power induces fear, obedience, rebellion, addiction on the attitudes and reactions of the holder on those to which it is applied (in our case, the students). Of course, any teacher knows that a child can be controlled using power (it is the most convenient, simple and unrefined approach - in terms of psychology and ethics). By the careful handling of rewards
259
260
Gabriel / Procedia - Social Behavioral Sciences 33 (2012) 258 – 262 Gabriel AlbuAlbu / Procedia - Social and and Behavioral Sciences 00 (2011) 000–000
and punishments, teachers can encourage certain behaviours in students or they can discourage other behaviours. Since its inception, behaviourism (Crahay, 2009) has argued that people (and animals) tend to repeat a behaviour that brings a reward (that satisfies a need) and to prevent or stop the behaviour for which either it does not receive a reward, or it is punished. Thus, a teacher can reinforce certain behaviour, rewarding the student, and can eliminate / discourage other behaviours, punishing them. After being rewarded and punished enough times, the students can be controlled by only promising them that they would be rewarded in some way or threatening them with further punishment if they behave in an undesirable manner (according, of course, to the claims of their educator) (Gordon, 2008). As we can see, the power of the teacher "to reward and punish (or promise rewards and threaten with punishment) looks like an effective model to control children" (ibid., p. 146, etc.). 3. Discussions and Proposals Another more refined and elegant way to educate is through love. It is not centred on control, i.e. coercion and obedience, but on cooperation, kindness, patience, humility, acceptance and trust. Disapproving, condemning, being ironic or punishing, we do not love but we fear our own loss, our own insecurity. The tool we use is control. "Control is not love. The root of the need to control is insecurity", remarks NuĠă A. (2010, p. 18). Love expands on the freedom of the loved one. It "helps the other to move, to go beyond their own limits, to enrich their experience, to know themselves in depth. True love does not limit, does not erect barriers and does not create prisons. Prisons are created from fear. Most of them are invisible "(NuĠă, 2010, p. 18). In love, we simply do good things. When we love a person we respect their liberty and dignity. Nourished by our love, the loved one becomes increasingly freer. Also, to love is to give. It is an active, productive state, an expression of abundance (in soul and spirit). When we love, we offer our best to our loved one. When we truly love, we offer what we have to offer and do not ask for anything in return. Of course, we receive if we are given. It would be rude to refuse. But we do not claim. In short, when we love, we simply devote. Therefore, (true) love creates freedom and joy. In love, there are no victims. Victims are only in battle. Power assumes struggle. As long as we want power and maintaining it, we are at war. A teacher’s love for their pupils means giving, sacrificing, support and care, kindness and patience, generosity and humility, forgiveness and respect. This requires both partners' independence, freedom, not control, not submission, nor guilt, not coercion or manipulation (Hollis, 2009, p. 135). For "where love prevails, there is no will for power and where power reigns, there is no love" (CG Jung, apud Holllis, 2009). Th. Gordon’s outlook (1974, 2008) is that education is based on love. Accepting others is a fundamental feature of the personality of the one who loves. Everyone feels comfortable around such a person: they can talk openly, can let their guard down, they can leave aside their mask. In short, they can be themselves. According to Th. Gordon, "to accept the other `as is` represents indeed an act of love; to feel accepted means to feel loved" (2008, p. 36). "Acceptance of others, as they are - states the famous American humanistic psychologist (2008) - is an important factor in creating a relationship that helps the other grow, develop, make constructive exchanges, learn to solve problems, strive for a healthy life psychologically, become more productive and creative and reach their own potential"(p. 34). It is one of the simplest but most beautiful paradoxes of life (which, as always, appears when taking a closer look at the relationship between people): "When a person feels that it is accepted by another, as is, then it is free to begin to think about how he wants to change, how he wants to develop, how he can be different, how to overcome his limits "(Gordon, 2008, p. 34).
Gabriel – 262 GabrielAlbu Albu/ Procedia / Procedia- Social - Socialand andBehavioral BehavioralSciences Sciences3300(2012) (2011)258 000–000
Many people, teachers or not, think that if we accept a child the way they are, they will stay the same or will manifest their untamed, wild nature. With this conviction in view, they will use a language and an attitude of non-acceptance that - sooner or later - will alienate children. Very often, non-acceptance makes students (as any man, in fact) close in themselves, makes them take a defensive attitude, causes discomfort (internal and relational), makes them afraid to talk to someone else (or be honest) or really look directly at them (ibid.). Conversely, a language and an attitude of acceptance free children so that they can reveal their feelings, moods, troubles and problems. When teachers learn how to show a real sense of acceptance to the students through their words and deeds, they "are in possession of something that can produce surprising effects. They can teach children to accept and to enjoy themselves, to realize their own value. They can greatly facilitate child development and achieve their potential", the renowned (education) psychologist assures us (2008, p. 36). Th. Gordon believes that when problems occur in teacher-student relationship it is important for the teacher to discover who owns the problem, because to him, problem solving begins with identifying who the problem belongs to. Finding solutions is facilitated if the parties identify and correctly recognize who owns the problem and react accordingly. When the problem belongs to the student, the most important ability of a teacher is to listen. We find, therefore, that a fundamental dimension of teaching competence is the ability to listen. It may be passive listening or active listening. According to T. Gordon (2008), passive listening is a "powerful nonverbal message that can be used effectively in making a person feel truly accepted" (p. 39), acceptance which - as we have seen encourages the development and change / transformation of the interlocutor. In turn, active listening is the most appropriate method when the student (reveals that he/she) has a problem. This is a remarkable way of bonding the student and teacher and strengthening their relationship. Essentially, in the case of active listening the receiver tries to understand how the transmitter feels or what the (depth of the) message represents (without interpreting it from a position of power). Then, testing, he passes the message back as he understood it to be checked by the transmitter, being "only too accustomed to advise them, to lecture them, to question them, to judge them, to threaten or encourage children" (Gordon, 2008, p. 54). Active listening promotes a harmonious relationship between teacher and student, for the "experience of feeling listened to and understood by another person is so satisfactory, that it brings closer the transmitter to the one who listens" (idem, p. 55). Active listening is empathic. In this respect, Th. Gordon notes (2008): "When someone listens with empathy and accuracy to someone else, he can understand that person, can appreciate his point of view - in a word, he becomes that person as long as he puts himself in its stead. Inevitably, if someone manages to gain access to another person, feelings of closeness, attention and love will immediately appear. To empathize with someone else means to regard that person as a close one and still be available to be with them. It means to become a companion for them for a short period of his life. Such an act requires deep conversations and profound affection." (p. 55, etc.). Active listening conveys confidence; it encourages students to think alone, to make their own diagnosis of the problem and to find solutions by themselves. In short, this wonderful ability of the teacher is one of the effective ways to help children, adolescents, young persons to be responsible and more autonomous. But in an educational situation, it is not only the student who may have the problem, but also the teacher. Like any individual, he too has his own needs; he has his life and the right to enjoy it. In such cases, the method recommended by Th. Gordon is the transmission of ‘Me’ messages. This is a way to talk to students, which has a greater opportunity to achieve the change of their unpleasant behaviour and, at the same time, to preserve or to increase their self-esteem, while maintaining a healthy relationship.
261
262
Gabriel / Procedia - Social Behavioral Sciences 33 (2012) 258 – 262 Gabriel AlbuAlbu / Procedia - Social and and Behavioral Sciences 00 (2011) 000–000
These messages contain information about the teacher (transmitter) rather than about the student (receiver); they are less likely to develop resistance or rebellion in the pupils. The teacher honestly communicates the effect of their behaviour on him rather than suggesting something is wrong with them because they behave as they do. When we resort to ‘Me’ messages we transmit others (in our case, students) that we are an individual who can be "hurt, embarrassed, fearful, disappointed, angry, discouraged, etc." (ibid., p.106). In short, we become more transparent, we reveal our humanity. For a teacher, such an attitude is an act of honesty, because, in general, teachers like to be seen as infallible - no weaknesses, vulnerabilities or failure" (ibid.). In a formative context, modesty and openness create closeness - a real interpersonal relationship. Students discover how we – the teachers – really are, and this encourages them to show themselves as they really are. Also called person-centred messages, the ‘me’ messages require, therefore, a lot of courage, honesty, patience, kindness, simplicity and confidence, revealing our own humanity, creating closeness; people no longer feel like strangers when interacting. It is much better, thinks Th. Gordon, to tell students earlier in time what we believe, instead of waiting until they act unacceptably, out of not knowing our needs as teachers. A preventive person-centred message sent in time can save us from other possible confrontations. Students will learn, as well, that their teacher is human, an individual like any other: with needs, desires and preferences just like anyone else. So parts of the education based on love are: effective communication, active listening, understanding each other's feelings, ‘me’ messages, mutual trust, keeping promises. 4. Conclusions and recommendations We need love. We have a great need for love between people. We, the teachers, the educators, are the agent of spreading love among people. In education, love is more important than power and punishments and rewards are more important than communication. Therefore, in forming new generations of teachers a more careful concern for the emotional dimension of their relationship with students is recommended. In this respect, it is appropriate to introduce courses and practical activities related to the manifestation of empathy, stimulating assertive communication and the resolution of conflicts by means of the "everybody wins, nobody loses" method. A further study of the psychology of love and friendship is also recommended. As teachers, it is essential to know and be convinced of the fact that one bad word and a bad deed transforms the good into evil, as well as a good word and a good deed turns the wicked into good. References Gordon, T. (1974). Teacher Effectivenes Training. New York: Crown Publishers. Gordon, T. (2008). Manualul parintilor eficace. Bucharest: Tritonic. Hollis, J. (2009). De ce oamenii buni savarsesc faptele rele? Bucharest: Trei. Konfisahor, A. (2008). Psihologia puterii. Bucharest: EuroPress Group. Nuta, A. (2010). Inchisorile invizibile. Reflectiile unui psihoterapeut nonconformist (2nd ed.). Bucharest: SPER.