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Tough love
GUEST EDITORIAL
Tough Love Authority figures often must make very difficult decisions regarding those for whom they are responsible, whether they be a professor or a parent. Once the decision is made, only time will determine if the decision was the correct one. Most often, when the decision is made with compassion and love, it will prove correct, even though very tough. As a parent of 5 children, I can relate 2 examples of what I mean. My oldest son was a good student in high school, but perhaps to his disadvantage, he did not have to work too hard to make good grades. His academic record was such that he got early acceptance to the University of North Carolina (UNC) at Chapel Hill. During his first 2 years he apparently played more than he studied, and his grades were just passing, in spite of my protests. At the end of his sophomore year, he had a 2.01 average. Knowing he was capable of more than that, I told him, when he asked to go to summer school, that I was through paying for his education until he got a job, saved his money, and paid for his own education. Then, if he demonstrated he was serious about his education and made the grades he was capable of, I would reimburse him and continue to pay for his education. He was allowed to live at home. He proceeded to get a job selling housewares door to door, and did not speak to me for 6 months. He learned that he was good at sales and enjoyed it very much. He also decided that, because of some friends at another branch of the UNC system, he would transfer. When he applied, he learned that he had very little that would transfer because of his grades. He then went back to Chapel Hill. During his last 2 years, he made all As and one B. Needless to say, I resumed my support. But, let’s continue with … the rest of the story. When he was beginning his senior year, I asked him what he was majoring in, because his courses left me puzzled. He said he was majoring in geography and Chinese culture.
When I asked him what his plans were for a career in life, he said that he planned to go into sales. When I asked him if he should not be majoring in something in the business school, he replied, “You wanted me to get an education, which I am doing. When I get ready to get a job, if I cannot sell myself then I am in the wrong field.” Then he added (this was 1981), “I think the future in sales will be in China, so I am learning something about the culture and how to get there.” His grades during the last 2 years were such that he got 3 job interviews through the job placement service at his university. He got 3 offers, but took the lowest paying offer because it gave him a 3-month intensive course in sales in New York City. He has subsequently worked with several companies. He finally got to China as part of an MBA course in international business, which he completed at the University of Pittsburgh. He continues to be successful in sales, but the only credit I can take is the part that tough love played. The second example involves a second son, who was caught selling LSD while in college. An attorney suggested that perhaps another $10,000 would allow a plea bargain or a lesser sentence. Perhaps the most difficult decision I have ever made was to tell him, if he was guilty, to plead guilty and take his punishment. This resulted in his spending time in prison. It was a difficult thing to visit him there, but his mother and I did. He got out with good behavior, finished school at a community college, and today is working for a good company and is a good man. Again, if there is any credit due to me, it is tough love and the emphasis is on the word love. JOHN W. FOUST, MD Member of the North Carolina Medical Board
CURRENT SURGERY • © 2000 by the Association of Program Directors in Surgery Published by Elsevier Science Inc.
0149-7944/00/$20.00 PII S0149-7944(00)00277-4
393
Tough Love Authority figures often must make very difficult decisions regarding those for whom they are responsible, whether they be a professor or a parent. Once the decision is made, only time will determine if the decision was the correct one. Most often, when the decision is made with compassion and love, it will prove correct, even though very tough. As a parent of 5 children, I can relate 2 examples of what I mean. My oldest son was a good student in high school, but perhaps to his disadvantage, he did not have to work too hard to make good grades. His academic record was such that he got early acceptance to the University of North Carolina (UNC) at Chapel Hill. During his first 2 years he apparently played more than he studied, and his grades were just passing, in spite of my protests. At the end of his sophomore year, he had a 2.01 average. Knowing he was capable of more than that, I told him, when he asked to go to summer school, that I was through paying for his education until he got a job, saved his money, and paid for his own education. Then, if he demonstrated he was serious about his education and made the grades he was capable of, I would reimburse him and continue to pay for his education. He was allowed to live at home. He proceeded to get a job selling housewares door to door, and did not speak to me for 6 months. He learned that he was good at sales and enjoyed it very much. He also decided that, because of some friends at another branch of the UNC system, he would transfer. When he applied, he learned that he had very little that would transfer because of his grades. He then went back to Chapel Hill. During his last 2 years, he made all As and one B. Needless to say, I resumed my support. But, let’s continue with … the rest of the story. When he was beginning his senior year, I asked him what he was majoring in, because his courses left me puzzled. He said he was majoring in geography and Chinese culture.
When I asked him what his plans were for a career in life, he said that he planned to go into sales. When I asked him if he should not be majoring in something in the business school, he replied, “You wanted me to get an education, which I am doing. When I get ready to get a job, if I cannot sell myself then I am in the wrong field.” Then he added (this was 1981), “I think the future in sales will be in China, so I am learning something about the culture and how to get there.” His grades during the last 2 years were such that he got 3 job interviews through the job placement service at his university. He got 3 offers, but took the lowest paying offer because it gave him a 3-month intensive course in sales in New York City. He has subsequently worked with several companies. He finally got to China as part of an MBA course in international business, which he completed at the University of Pittsburgh. He continues to be successful in sales, but the only credit I can take is the part that tough love played. The second example involves a second son, who was caught selling LSD while in college. An attorney suggested that perhaps another $10,000 would allow a plea bargain or a lesser sentence. Perhaps the most difficult decision I have ever made was to tell him, if he was guilty, to plead guilty and take his punishment. This resulted in his spending time in prison. It was a difficult thing to visit him there, but his mother and I did. He got out with good behavior, finished school at a community college, and today is working for a good company and is a good man. Again, if there is any credit due to me, it is tough love and the emphasis is on the word love. JOHN W. FOUST, MD Member of the North Carolina Medical Board
CURRENT SURGERY • © 2000 by the Association of Program Directors in Surgery Published by Elsevier Science Inc.
0149-7944/00/$20.00 PII S0149-7944(00)00277-4
393