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What it's like
ROADMAPS
What It’s Like Monica Gazzola, BSN, RN HEN PEOPLE ASK ME what I do for a living and where I work, I usually reply, “I work as a nurse on a pediatric bone marrow transplant unit.” At this point, most people just stare at me with a blank look on their face, because they have no idea what I am talking about. Then in simpler terms I tell them that I work with children who have cancer. Their response is always, “It must be such a sad place to work” and then I tell them that it really is not. Most people ask why I would work in such an area. I usually reply with a positive response without telling them about the secret that I have been carrying with me for about 10 years. You wouldn’t think that I would want to work in the same place where I was once a patient, would you? I was 14 years old and diagnosed with stage II Hodgkin’s disease. I remember having symptoms such as bruising, difficulty breathing, and fatigue for several months before I was diagnosed, but no matter how many times I returned to the doctor, he would always prescribe a different medication that did absolutely nothing to help me. One evening, my mother noticed that I did not look well. My temperature was 39°C (⬃102°F). The next morning, she took me to a different doctor who noticed two large lumps on the base of my neck. The next thing I knew, I was in the emergency ward being admitted to the hospital. My journey started from there. When the diagnosis was final, I had to grow
W
From British Columbia Children’s Hospital, British Columbia, Canada. Address correspondence to Monica Gazzola, BSN, RN, 1060 Stratford Ave, Burnaby, BC, Canada V5B 3X8. E-mail: mgazzolahot mail.com 䊚 2000 by Association of Pediatric Oncology Nurses 1043-4542/00/1704-0007$3.00/0 doi:10.1053/jpon.2000.16401
up rather quickly. I had things like chemotherapy, diagnostic tests, and trips to the hospital to worry about. I remember wishing that all I had to worry about were things like who was so-and-so dating that week or when the next basketball practice was going to be held. Instead, I had to focus on my first bone marrow biopsy and lumbar puncture. The pain was unbearable, and just to let you know, “blowing away the pain” does not work. It was at the time of the second biopsy that they gave me midazolam. Thank goodness for that drug; to this day I do not remember a thing. However, I do remember how sick I was from the chemotherapy. Nausea for hours on end is not enjoyable. I was also not fond of the other side effects, such as the hair loss. Being a teenager and having to lose one’s hair was awful. At that time, I had long, poker-straight hair. My mother cut off quite a bit of my hair, because it was falling out, but I was not impressed with the new look. I would wear a wig wherever I went, including school, and I was constantly afraid that someone would find out and attempt to take it off. Thinking about it now, I do not think that a lot of people knew. I did not like the “moonface” effect and the weight gain that the steroids caused. Knowing that the effects would go away after I finished taking the drugs was a little bit of a consolation, but I still felt hideous. When I was nearly finished with chemotherapy, my oncologist decided that I needed to have some radiation just to make sure that all the cancer cells were gone. Never have I felt so exposed to so many strangers. First, they made a mold of my body both front and back. I was stripped down to my underwear and told to lie on top of a cold table. I had to lie inside the mold so that my oncologist, along with some other health care workers,
Journal of Pediatric Oncology Nursing, Vol 17, No 4 (October), 2000: pp 253-254
253
254
Road maps
could mark the area where I would be radiated. Then came the daily radiation sessions with each one lasting for about a minute. I was really nauseated with the radiation and vomited after every session. I thanked God it was only for 10 days. By the time I completed all of the treatment, it was Christmas. I think that was one of the best Christmas holidays I have ever had. The fact that I had completed everything was the greatest gift I received. I went back to playing sports and to living the teenage life that I should have led. The next big question in my life was what I wanted to do for a living. I knew I wanted to do something with children, and I have always been interested in the medical field, so I decided to be a nurse. Thinking back about the nurses that took care of me in the hospital inspired me to go into the profession. I think I always knew that I wanted to work in oncology. I needed to give to other children what the nurses and doctors gave me—a second chance at life. It is very different being on the opposite side. It can be very difficult watching what the children go through and not tell them that I know what they are going through. I feel that it is not my place to do so. In spite of that, I have told some of the children, de-
pending on what kind of a day were having, but I do not know what kind of an impact I have had on them. It is also very difficult to watch a child die from his or her disease. It makes me wonder what was so special about me that I survived, yet some do not. There are many days that I come home and think about the day at work. There are good days in which all of the children are happy and playing. Then there are those days when I come home and all I can do is cry on my best friend’s shoulder because the child I cared for is so sick. It is at times like this that I do not know what they are feeling or what they are going through, because I was so fortunate that I was never that ill. The courage that I see in these children reminds me that life is just too precious and that every day should be cherished. I have been told that I am like an angel to these children by touching their lives in some way. I think that I am just an ordinary person working with an amazing group of people who are doing an extraordinary job. I am happy to be working in pediatric oncology, although it can be difficult at times. There are so many things to be thankful for: family, friends, and especially my life. So this is me and this is my story. I am thankful to have shared it with you.
What It’s Like Monica Gazzola, BSN, RN HEN PEOPLE ASK ME what I do for a living and where I work, I usually reply, “I work as a nurse on a pediatric bone marrow transplant unit.” At this point, most people just stare at me with a blank look on their face, because they have no idea what I am talking about. Then in simpler terms I tell them that I work with children who have cancer. Their response is always, “It must be such a sad place to work” and then I tell them that it really is not. Most people ask why I would work in such an area. I usually reply with a positive response without telling them about the secret that I have been carrying with me for about 10 years. You wouldn’t think that I would want to work in the same place where I was once a patient, would you? I was 14 years old and diagnosed with stage II Hodgkin’s disease. I remember having symptoms such as bruising, difficulty breathing, and fatigue for several months before I was diagnosed, but no matter how many times I returned to the doctor, he would always prescribe a different medication that did absolutely nothing to help me. One evening, my mother noticed that I did not look well. My temperature was 39°C (⬃102°F). The next morning, she took me to a different doctor who noticed two large lumps on the base of my neck. The next thing I knew, I was in the emergency ward being admitted to the hospital. My journey started from there. When the diagnosis was final, I had to grow
W
From British Columbia Children’s Hospital, British Columbia, Canada. Address correspondence to Monica Gazzola, BSN, RN, 1060 Stratford Ave, Burnaby, BC, Canada V5B 3X8. E-mail: mgazzolahot mail.com 䊚 2000 by Association of Pediatric Oncology Nurses 1043-4542/00/1704-0007$3.00/0 doi:10.1053/jpon.2000.16401
up rather quickly. I had things like chemotherapy, diagnostic tests, and trips to the hospital to worry about. I remember wishing that all I had to worry about were things like who was so-and-so dating that week or when the next basketball practice was going to be held. Instead, I had to focus on my first bone marrow biopsy and lumbar puncture. The pain was unbearable, and just to let you know, “blowing away the pain” does not work. It was at the time of the second biopsy that they gave me midazolam. Thank goodness for that drug; to this day I do not remember a thing. However, I do remember how sick I was from the chemotherapy. Nausea for hours on end is not enjoyable. I was also not fond of the other side effects, such as the hair loss. Being a teenager and having to lose one’s hair was awful. At that time, I had long, poker-straight hair. My mother cut off quite a bit of my hair, because it was falling out, but I was not impressed with the new look. I would wear a wig wherever I went, including school, and I was constantly afraid that someone would find out and attempt to take it off. Thinking about it now, I do not think that a lot of people knew. I did not like the “moonface” effect and the weight gain that the steroids caused. Knowing that the effects would go away after I finished taking the drugs was a little bit of a consolation, but I still felt hideous. When I was nearly finished with chemotherapy, my oncologist decided that I needed to have some radiation just to make sure that all the cancer cells were gone. Never have I felt so exposed to so many strangers. First, they made a mold of my body both front and back. I was stripped down to my underwear and told to lie on top of a cold table. I had to lie inside the mold so that my oncologist, along with some other health care workers,
Journal of Pediatric Oncology Nursing, Vol 17, No 4 (October), 2000: pp 253-254
253
254
Road maps
could mark the area where I would be radiated. Then came the daily radiation sessions with each one lasting for about a minute. I was really nauseated with the radiation and vomited after every session. I thanked God it was only for 10 days. By the time I completed all of the treatment, it was Christmas. I think that was one of the best Christmas holidays I have ever had. The fact that I had completed everything was the greatest gift I received. I went back to playing sports and to living the teenage life that I should have led. The next big question in my life was what I wanted to do for a living. I knew I wanted to do something with children, and I have always been interested in the medical field, so I decided to be a nurse. Thinking back about the nurses that took care of me in the hospital inspired me to go into the profession. I think I always knew that I wanted to work in oncology. I needed to give to other children what the nurses and doctors gave me—a second chance at life. It is very different being on the opposite side. It can be very difficult watching what the children go through and not tell them that I know what they are going through. I feel that it is not my place to do so. In spite of that, I have told some of the children, de-
pending on what kind of a day were having, but I do not know what kind of an impact I have had on them. It is also very difficult to watch a child die from his or her disease. It makes me wonder what was so special about me that I survived, yet some do not. There are many days that I come home and think about the day at work. There are good days in which all of the children are happy and playing. Then there are those days when I come home and all I can do is cry on my best friend’s shoulder because the child I cared for is so sick. It is at times like this that I do not know what they are feeling or what they are going through, because I was so fortunate that I was never that ill. The courage that I see in these children reminds me that life is just too precious and that every day should be cherished. I have been told that I am like an angel to these children by touching their lives in some way. I think that I am just an ordinary person working with an amazing group of people who are doing an extraordinary job. I am happy to be working in pediatric oncology, although it can be difficult at times. There are so many things to be thankful for: family, friends, and especially my life. So this is me and this is my story. I am thankful to have shared it with you.